Wedding Speeches

In real life, I’m a Wedding and Events Manager – fancy smanshy title for your Wedding Coordinator.  In my times, I have seen some crackers and some shockers.  I have heard some great speeches and I have heard some cringe worthy moments for example:

1:

ING.  SomethING, NothING, see the ING sound?  PING, DING, BLING.  More examples of ING sound.  INK – PINK, LINK, CLINK These words use the INK sound.  SomethINK is not a word.  NothINK is not a word.  ING – Put an ‘R’ in front of it and it say RING.  I can guarantee Beyonce didn’t say put a RINK on it.

2:

ewe
juː/
noun – a femail sheep
plural noun: ewes
Talking about female sheep, one would USE the word EWES.  When standing at the podium, addressing the crowd, one should not, never ever USE the word EWES.  Example:
“I would like to thanks EWES all for coming’.  I can see the confusion here as I believe that the actual word they are after is YOUSE.  I do understand the confusion here and it is so commonly USED that it even pops up in the Urban Dictionary -
YOUSE
(Australian) Of Bogan origins.
Plural of You. Referring to a more that one person. The pinnacle of ignorant grammar.

Non-bogans think this term is hilarious, especially when used by a bogan or by another non-bogan imitating a bogan.

Bogans can’t spell this word, known variations are: Yous, You’s (the reason for apostrophe usage is yet to be discovered depite teams of scholars devoting their efforts)

“what’re youse guys doin’ youse wanna get some beers of somethink?”
See, I’m sure that is the word they were after.
3:
If you are the Best Man or Groomsman starting out the speech with, ‘Well I didn’t really like her when I met her but I do now’ aint gonna win you any friends and I can guarantee that when those Rumbos kick in, someone is gonna say something about that speech dude.  Look, we know you’re still living in the whole ‘Bro’s before ho’s’ thing but dude – you’re at his wedding, pretty sure he didn’t pick the Bro…. just saying.
4:
If you are the Matron of Honour or Bridesmaid  – See above!
5:
Following on from above, it is really not necessary to point out the conquests and the ‘fun times’ the Bride or Groom had.  Really, you ain’t fooling anyone by pointing this out as it really only points out your insecurities.  Common, just common.
6:
Don’t do the following:  The Drunk Speech or The ‘Wishing It Was Me’ Speech, the How many Times Can I Swear Speech – Common, just common.
7:
If you got your speech off the internet, chances are we’ve heard it before.  I know, you took so much time trolling the internet for the funny ones and although it’s on the internet, in your head no-one would have used it…….Ah, it’s the internet – really?
So from my fancy smanshy position, these are some of the crimes against Wedding speeches that I have heard, sometimes repeatedly and I am in no doubt that I will hear them again…….
And here’s a little post I did a while ago…
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I came across this article….

http://www.mamamia.com.au/relationships/i-almost-screwed-up-my-wedding/

it gave me a good giggle.  Being in the position that I am in, I see some strange things and I completely understand the position these ladies are in.  It’s weird, it’s like we women lose our ability to understand right from wrong when it comes to weddings?  What is the G-O??  I think there should be some rules.  Here is my list, I’m going to call it:

Dont Go Bat Shit Crazy – An Outsiders View on Weddings

Yes, it is the biggest day of your life, some of you have probably dreamed of this day since you were a little girl and now Mr Right has come along and the planning has started.  You’ve found the venue, discussed the menu, got your church or celebrant booked but here are some little things that you should consider:

The Dress: Look, sweetheart necklines don’t always look good – actually, I reckon it’s pretty hard to pull off – just putting it out there.  Just because most dresses are strapless, that doesn’t mean one size fits all – no no no ladies.  When looking at this style of dress in magazines, just check out the size of the models….. again, just sayin….. Tuckshop arms……. just sayin……

Shoes:  Love, if you don’t really wear heels, why wear them that day?  I know they are pretty and sparkly but at least practice in them and don’t kick them off before the reception?  It’s not a good look seeing a bride wobble down the aisle and then carry your shoes around.  And let’s be honest, no one remembers your shoes!

Make Up:  Practice Run!  If you don’t wear a lot of make up usually, don’t go all hooker like for the day cause let me tell you, this is something everyone will remember and comment about!!  If your make up artists name is Madam Misty Rosy Cheeks Delite and has a suspicious lump in her throat, you probably won’t get subtle make up – do your research!  Oh, and waterproof mascara – do I need to explain??

Hair: See Above!!!

Decorations: It starts out just a few bits and pieces here and there, then it multiplies, then it multiplies some more, then it takes on a life of its own – ladies, sometimes just a few bits and pieces are enough.  Hey I’m a fan of a bargain, trust me, but just because you can get it on the cheap, doesn’t always make it the best choice.

The Cake:  Apparently this is a big deal.  Look, we all look at the cake, we all take photos of it and I tell you what, we will remember what it tastes like – um well actually, no we won’t.  By the time the cake comes out, most of our mouths are numb from a few hours of drinking and really, if we box it up and take it home, we’re probably going to eat it hungover and it will be the best thing ever – so about the cake, don’t worry about it too much.

Piss Fart Drunk: Fine line isn’t there.  Firstly, eat that day.  Yes it’s a stressful day – although it really doesn’t need to be and if you get on it too early, chances are Piss Fart Bride is on her way.  Piss Fart Bride had her day on her Hens Day, best she keep it a distant memory on her big night – but hey, if it’s really good champagne, well all bets are off right?  You may be Piss Fart Bride but no-one really needs to know – one foot in front of the other……… Oh and heads up, back to those shoes, heels will not be your friend right now!

Bridezilla: Oh yes, that’s right, don’t become the Bridezilla!  Everyone knows it’s your day and your people are on your side and are there to help you.

So, that’s just a little advice but look, it’s your day, bloody enjoy it – dress as you want, do what you want, get a bubble machine, smoke machine and throw glitter everywhere, eat, drink and be merry because it really is all about you!

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It’s my fault….again…

This morning consisted of the following:

Moomoo cranky because I have to keep asking him to get up.  This becomes my fault.

Monkeyboy wonders why I haven’t done his lunch yet as I was in the middle of feeding the pets aka doing their jobs.  This becomes my fault.

Monkeyboy dobbing on Moomoo and his mates for calling him names in the park yesterday.  Moomoo loses his phone for a day. This becomes my fault.

Moomoo giving me the finger behind my back (and getting caught).  This becomes my fault.

Monkeyboy can’t find his soccer ball.  This becomes my fault.

Moomoo doesn’t give me a kiss as he’s leaving today.  This becomes my fault.

Mornings suck – end of!

Can’t wait for this afternoon……..

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Busted!

 

So this just happened……(yeah not that picture….yet…)

Moomoo: Hey Mum, what are these – ( holds up some condoms)

Me: Nothing – (grabs them walks away)

Mr Cruisey: You know what they are – (clearly much more able to handle these situations)

Moomoo: I don’t think I will be able to sleep tonight (smirks, giggles, slinks off to room)

Monkeyboy: What are you talking about – (stay innocent young one, stay innocent……)

Me: You’ll learn about it in Sex Ed

It is at this point that I grab Moomoos iPod as his messages are connected to his phone – that’s right, I am the Queen of slyness…….

And then this happens…..

wpid-20140911_201436.jpg

Loving the emoji’s that he used: kisses, cuddles, boy/girl, boy/girl/baby, smile, OMG, OMFG, Crying, Sick, Tears…….

And just imagine if he found our ‘toy box’…….

     and that will be a whole new can of worms….

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T is for The Terrible Testosterone Troublemaker

Been quiet of late…..

It’s because I am beat down, beat down I tell ya!

These kids are crazy!! I don’t know where they came from or when they showed up but apparently they’re here to stay – yippee ki-yay motherf&@#$ers

I wrote this post back when Moomoo was 10.  Apparently it is appropriate for them both at any age…

Killing me….enjoy the read….

Re Post begins…… now!

Ah what’s the go with boys and testosterone???

No one tells you about that do they! Nah, we’ll leave that one out of the big book of children – you know that mystery book that everyone seems to know about but you!  Anyone can contribute as long as it’s happy, nice positive feedback.

Huh – no nice happy feedback here!

So there is 19 months between Moomoo and Monkeboy.  Needless to say it’s been years of absolute pleasurable hell at times.  Just when one seems to come good, the other one jumps on the band wagon.

At the moment, Moomoo or Hormones as I like to call him lately, is just a little bit weird – like crazy person weird.  He’s always been ah, unique but this new crazy is a whole new level.  It’s like he gets jacked up on air – look he’s rather harmless but when he is in this phase he’s pretty manic.  Now as you know, what goes up, must come down – and down it comes with a thud.  He’s only 10 and I get big scary insights into what he will be like as a sulky, sullen teenager – good times ahead!

Now Monkeyboy is the one who is normally in the firing line of Hormones, however, Little Ray of Sunshine, as I am calling him, is not so innocent either.  He does whatever he can to get Hormones into trouble with a smile.  He seems to be a little sulkier than usual but as I said, just taking over from Hormones – we’ve seen this before but man – when does it stop – oh yeah, it doesn’t.

I’m told The Terrible Testosterone Troublemaker rears it’s ugly head every 3 years or so with boys.  I know I am not the most patient person in the world so of course, there is a fair bit of yelling when the beast rears its ugly head.    Hormones and I can clash, not unlike Dawn and I – hmm yes ironic isn’t it, and Little Ray of Sunshine just blames me for well everything.  So when The Terrible Testosterone Troublemaker is wreaking havoc on our somewhat mostly peaceful house, I have to control Horrible Hormonal Harriet or I am pretty sure that the Cruisy Love of My Life, might just walk out that door – he is a very patient man.

So I say to you The Terrible Testosterone Troublemaker, you break my heart, you frustrate and annoy me, your best friend Horrible Hormonal Harriet is a wench as well,  yet I know, you are a necessary evil.

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The Straw That Broke The Camels Back

No!  No, no, no, no, no!! It is not bloody fun!

I tried to help Moomoo out with his iPhone.  Mistake number 1.

Thanks to Apple being a piece of shit with its upgrades and crap, I lost everything off his phone. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G!

He has had a complete meltdown – T.O.T.A.L  M.E.L.T.D.O.W.N!! I mean, sobbing, chest heaving tears, yelling, stomping – it was a total toddler tantrum meltdown!! Oh, and this happened last night, so it is still ongoing!  I am dreading going home!  He H.A.T.E.S me right now!  Man, I feel soooooo bad too cause I know how much it sucks to lose everything.  But seriously, to say that I did it on purpose is just a bit rough.  And seriously, you lost your phone data, not a limb!

But this was just the straw that broke the camels back.  You see he is just around the corner from those arsehole teen years and he has just jumped on the roller coaster.  Most days, he’s ok….ish… ok well really, it just depends on the moment.  These pre teen beasts can jump down your throat and rip out your heart at the drop of a hat!

I have discovered that when asking a pre teen to do anything, they interpret it as:

This world is so completely unfair and I am the only kid in the world that has to do it and you don’t ask Monkeyboy to do anything and he is your favourite and the world hates me  and I hate you and everybody else and you suck!’

I gotta be honest, I don’t know if I am going to survive these years…..

Anyone else in the same boat?

Look, a funny camel…

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Inter School Sport (Only Winners Please!)

Today, Moomoo found out he didn’t make the school team for Rugby League.

Look, let’s be honest, he is not the best player out there.  In fact, when he didn’t get in last year, he laughed.  But this year, he was keen.

He’s played Interschool soccer for 2 years and played a season of Rugby Union and decided to try out for the team.  It’s his last year in school so why not.  Unlike Monekyboy who is good at most thing’s he tries, Moomoo is more like Bella from Twilight – you know, co-ordination not being the best at all times however, he gives it a red-hot go!  He showed at all of the training sessions, he talked about it non stop, the boys were on his side but then she gave him the news, ‘Sorry mate, you’re not in the team.’

Now, here’s where it gets a bit ranting.  As I said, not the best player out there HOWEVER, the teacher had told all of the other boys 2 WEEKS AGO that they were on the team.  2 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!  At this time, she told Moomoo that there is 1 spot left and it is between him and another boy.  So for 2 WEEKS STRAIGHT these 2 boys didn’t know if they were in the team.  As I said, he kept going to all of the training sessions to try to impress the teacher and get on the team.  Everyday he would come home and say she should tell me tomorrow.  He even told me that he kept asking her and she said ‘Well you’re probably on it as you keep asking me’.  Bitch, WTF? Do you have kids? Or have you done one too many triathlons that your brain is melting?  You can’t say that to a kid and then rip his heart out and stomp on it like WTF?  She must have known 2 WEEKS AGO that he was not good enough.

Oh and to top it off, Moomoo said ‘oh well,if I don’t get in, I’ll try out for Flag Tag.’  So today when she ripped his heart out, stomped on it and made him cry, he went to see if he could try out for Flag Tag but they already have the team – Bitch!  So, not only has he missed out on Rugby League, he’s missed out on Flag Tag – thanks lady, well done!

As stated earlier, Moomoo may not be the best at sport however, he does give it a red-hot go.  I also understand that they want winners on the team so they can get the coveted trophy at the end of the season – oh hang on, there isn’t a trophy.  That’s right, there isn’t even a bloody trophy!  Oh but there is the accolades that will live on and on and no one will really give a shit about but a least there will be some back slapping in the class room.

PRIMARY SCHOOL SPORT, NOT CLUB LEVEL GRADED SPORT, NOT THE OLYMPICS – PRIMARY SCHOOL SPORT!!!!

He might not have gotten in the team but he sure can shred on a board!

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The Om of it – Part 2

I wrote a post way back when about Yoga called The Om Of It (you can read it below this post) and realizing the benefits of Yoga.  Well I gave a new style a whirl, it’s hot Yoga and well, fark me – it’s full on.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed it – ok well, um, I was enjoying it and then I had one of those ‘nah, really didn’t enjoy that’ type of class – Hot Yoga, we are done…

See here’s the deal, it’s a different type of Yoga than I am used to – not much downward dog going on, more twist like the bejesus going on, and the instructors talk you through it but they are full on!  They talk quick and loud and it’s all go go go and then there’s the heat, oh the heat.  Look, I’m a sweater, runs in the family (yeah, jealous much?) so after the first few breathing exercises the sweats start happening.  They continue all through class and to be honest, I don’t mind the sweats – I don’t know if the rest of the class appreciates the beer sweats that may or may not have come from my direction, but sweating is cleansing right?  Cleansing and slippery, super slippery especially when you’re trying to get into poses crossing your legs and they keep slipping.  Or when it is time to lie down and relax and sweat drips in your ears and other places sweat shouldn’t be – gee I’m talking it up aren’t I?

So, Hot Yoga and I probably won’t hang out again.  It was fun for a while but when it becomes a chore, well, time to move on isn’t it?

Now for the original post, please enjoy

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The Om Of It

Chill Pill, Mood Pill, Rescue Remedy – the list goes on.  These are a few of the thing’s I’ve tried to release the stress and get through the day.  Exercise, food, drinking are some other remedies, although I generally stick to these ones.

Chill Pills – These are a natural calming blend of  Rhodiola and Hops blah blah blah blah blah – relives stress, reduce the effects of mild anxiety blah blah blah bluh improve stamina and endurance – take 1 a day or 2 if needed – yep 2 straight up thanks – these are the ones for me!  Well they did what the bottle said, well I think they did, well actually I’m not sure – can I take more, what about if my stress levels rise – can you overdose on Chill???? Freak Out!

Mood Plus – Scientifically formulated to help give a positive mood boost blah blah blah blah ame ingrdients as above plus a few more blah blah blah – take 1 tablet twice a day, 30 minutes before food – hmm what if I forget, can I take one just before I eat – do I need to wait 30 minutes then – what if it’s a hot meal – geez man this is stressful!!!!! Freak Out!

Rescue Remedy – Righto Dr Bach – you’ve been around the longest – it’s made of flowers – I love flowers – this is all good!  People worldwide know this gear so it must be the one! Hmmmm I think I was looking for that Dr Feelgood I  have encountered a few times in my past….Flowers aside Dr, this one, like the others don’t seem to be doing it for me.

Now I have decided to try an age old remedy that I know is the goods – physical, mental, spiritual discipline….bliss – well for an hour at least for 5 weeks…  the boys bought me (after I had enrolled myself and told them what to do) 5 weeks of Yoga and a Yoga kit.

I am now up to week 3 and loving it.  I especially love the meditation at the end of the le sson however, I am not sure if the rest of the class enjoys my snoring – in my defence, I do wake myself up snoring!  And like Mr Cruisey said, ‘at least you didn’t fart’ (see farts are funny at any age!).

Tonight I left class completely relaxed right up until I got about a block from home and Nissan Man was on the road.  I could feel them Om slipping out of me as Nissan man kept braking in front of me in the middle of the road – hello – your brakes work now get a move on!  So I get home, deep breathe, let it pass, all Om again.  That was right up until I walk upstairs and see the dishes still in the sink and realise I still have to hang out a load of washing, put the next one on oh the list goes on and on and the Om keeps slipping away…..

So all the pills and sprays aside, apparently breathing and stretching is the key to a bit of inward bliss – huh ironic isn’t it that the most simple thing in the world to do is sometimes the hardest thing to find time to do.

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