Eff Your Hormones!

So this morning, Moomoo ordered Hormones with a side of anger for bereakfast.  Awesome way to start the day, just awesome. Puberty sucks balls so bad!  He’s like ‘rah rah rah’ slam, ‘rah rah rah’ slam ‘why am I so angry rah rah’ Monkeyboy and I were ducking for cover because man, no one knows why you’re angry kid.

It’s so weird seeing all this go on and it’s hard to watch and put yourself back into those years. I can’t relate because I was such an angel……….bahahahaahahahaahah bullfuckingshit!  Man I was horrible at times – only at times I swear – and I remember all those weird feelings and just anger!  Of course I have mellowed over the years….oh wait….not entirely true.  So after the raging hormonal arsehole beast reared its ugly head this morning, I got a text saying sorry.  It’s really nice when I get those texts.

But alas, I thought that was the end of the raging hormonal beast but no, the mofo showed up this afternoon.  At first it kicked me and I was losing my shit at them for….well reasons unknown really but at least I can blame PMT right? And then just as I got the beast under control, the mofo came along and gave Monkeyboy a nudge!  And man, what a nudge it was!

Anger, yelling, tears – the works! It got him a doozy!  Fucking raging hormonal beast – loves spreading its shit everywhere! So anyway, how’s your house?



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I Told My Kid To Steal…..

Yep, can’t sugar coat that.  I told my kid to steal.

OK, OK let me explain.  It’s been cold in Brisbane.  We’ve had a rough winter.  It’s been down to single digits!  I mean anything below 16 is hell freezing over cold in Brisbane and we know this because everyone tells you how cold it is, and they update their status telling us how cold it is……Yes it’s winter – it’s fucking cold, I don’t need to hear how cold it is…..sorry, back to the story….

So, cold, winter, the boys need to wear jumpers to school and the school is all about the uniform.  So far this winter, they have had countless uniform detentions because they have not worn the correct uniform because why, they lost their 80 fucking dollar jumper!  That’s right, their school jumpers cost 80 fucking dollars each!!!!! 80 fucking dollars!!!! Oh but wait, not only have they lost their school jumpers, they have even lost their own jumpers – what the actual?  As Mr Cruisey kept asking, ‘how do you lose your jumper?’  Quite bloody easily trust me.  The amount of times this happened in Primary School used to drive me up the wall but at least at Primary School, they could wear a similar coloured jumper and not get detention.  The amount of money we have spent over the years buying bloody school jumpers…..ridiculous!! So many kids must be walking around with jumpers that are not theirs. So here’s what I did………..

I told him that I didn’t give a rats arse who’s jumper he came home with, he needs to come home with a jumper.  I did say go and look for yours again however, DO NO WALK THROUGH THIS DOOR WITHOUT A JUMPER!  Yes I am aware of how bad that is but to be honest, I don’t actually feel bad about it.  I am pretty sure that we are not the only family with missing jumpers. Or shorts. Or shirts.

I am all for uniforms at school but the price of uniforms is bloody ludicris!!!! I could buy a kidney cheaper than kitting out both the boys in uniforms!  And look, we don’t care if they’re second hand or not but trust me, ain’t no second hand jumpers in the uniform shop!!!  Here’s a break down……

Jumpers                       80 fucking dollars

Formal Shorts            40 fucking dollars

Formal Shirt             40 fucking 2 dollars

Sports Shorts          30 fucking 5 dollars

Sports Shirt            30 fucking 5 dollars

TOTAL                        MORE THAN A FUCKING KIDNEY!!!!!!

So that’s why I told my kid to steal.


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Bang Bang He Shot Me Down

On This Day….a repost from 2014….

So, your kids don’t play with guns?

Well thank god for that I mean, a kid with a gun isn’t really a good thing now is it I mean unless you live on the corner of Redneck and Thug street, probably no need for your kid to play with a gun.

Now, if you say you don’t want your kid playing with guns – pretend guns because guns are bad and guns teach the kid the wrong things and blah blah blah well I’m sorry to tell you but you really can’t stop it.  From the minute they can point their stubby little fingers to when they pick up a stick there’s always going to be some gun action going on, always.  Take a look in the playground – there’s gun action going on and what’s worse, it doesn’t stop.

It starts with the fingers.  And sticks……

It moves on to the water pistols in the party bags, the useless water pistols that only work for a little while and then as they get older, they upgrade.  They upgrade to water cannons that shoot water out at 300km / hr.  There are water fights around the pool, in the park anywhere as long as someone gets a soaking, it’s a good day.

Enter the Nerf Guns.  Guaranteed, they will get a Nerf gun at some point – from an Uncle (man I wish I had one of those) or a friend at their birthday party (yeah I’ve got one of these and they’re so cool). Nerf guns with there ‘take an eye out’ foam bullets that shoot at 300km / hr and also come in pink for the girls.  It’s ok to play with them because they are plastic and foam with a little rubber thrown in?

And then when they are not playing with the real pretend things, they show up in the games that all the cool kids are into.  And if it’s not guns in the games it’s swords or axes or bows and arrows so ya see, the kids are surrounded by weapons – PRETEND WEAPONS (unless like I said you live on the corner of Redneck and Thug Street, well that might be a little different) so peeps, maybe some of you need to unknot those knickers because, in my humble opinion, playing with toys doesn’t really lead you to being the kid on the roof out of Parenthood.

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What’s on your phone?

I leave my phone out……
and here’s what I find…….









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Short People Problems…….Sad Face…….

On This Day….A Repost from 2014….

#1: Clothes: You will never find a pair of jeans or pants that you don’t need to roll up or cut and sew.  I also call bullshit on one size fits all.

#2: ID: I was asked for ID at bars until I was 25.  Now, I try to give it to them and they kinda laugh

#3: Bar: I have found that sometimes I am taller when I sit on a bar stool.

#4: Kids: My sons friends are taller than me.  He is in Primary School.  Scares the shit out of me when they hit High School!

#5: Step Ladders/ Stools: I have 2 step ladders at home and 2 stools, just in case, and they get used….a lot.

#6: Cars: My Dad had to jack the seat up in my first car, it was a Toyota Corolla.  On the upside, when I was pulled over by the police, they were unsure if I was old enough to drive.  I got out of 5 fines in my first year of driving.

#7: Gigs:  I always try to get seating tickets then I can see with the big kids.  If I get standing, I usually find the biggest dude there and they kinda look down and feel bad and let me in so really, win, win right there.  I do however, always come out with a sore neck.

Anyone relate?



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I’m Going Down to Crazy Town!


On This Day….A post from 2013

Yep, that’s how I feel lately.  The soon to be 10-year-old is really testing me!

Seriously – WTF??  He’s so up and down.  So dark and sullen, then Mr Chatty McChat – I can’t keep up.  And smart arse – holy moly!  You know when toddlers go through that ‘no, no, no’ stage – apparently it comes back when they are 9 3/4 (just realized, 9 3/4 is the train station on Harry Potter – maybe the kid should find that station and take a ride!) Teenage years are gonna be a hoot – NOT!!!!

OK enough about that one, let’s move on to the next one.  When the hormonal beast takes over this one  it goes crazy – like waving hands in the air, jumping up and down nut job!  The dude you think ‘when did he escape the loony bin’ type crazy and then it crashes.  The ups and downs really rock his world – wtf is going on??

Fights – if I could throw them in the back yard, put a cage around them and line up a bookie, I reckon I could make some serious coin but seeing that this would be frowned upon, it’s probably not a great idea.  They call each other names and go the knuckle and honestly some days, I just gotta walk away – there are tears, there’s yelling, there’s wrestling and farting, and holding each other down and farting and burping and then I’m going down, down, down, down ,down, down, down,…. to Crazy Town!

View photo.JPG in slide show

They can be the best of friends and the worst of friends

How’s things at your house?

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I Beg your Pardon?

On This Day…..A post from 2012!

In all of the chaotic noise that is our house/life, one thing I never get sick of hearing are the ‘thank you’s.  Every time one of the boys says thank you, I know I have actually done something right.  You see, manners are really important to me.  There is one thing Dad always said to me ‘Manners are fee’ and it’s a fact, so where the bloody hell have they gone?

Why is it now up to teachers and other carers to teach our kids manners – has society really become that slack?  Or is it someone else’s fault?  Imagine if we took responsibility?  Whoa man!

We have been complimented numerous times on our kids manner.  I’m pretty sure that the years of threats and blackmail have actually paid off.  From saying thank you to each other to knowing how to put your cutlery on your plate to indicate you have finished your meal, these thing’s are important.  Little do they know that girls will become something of a fascination to them in the not too distant future, so when the boys meet the folks, they need to impress them – good manners will do that.

Like everything else we do in life, we should lead by example.  When you eat like an animal in front of your young ones, you are showing them that this is acceptable.  Ones’ hands should be used to hold the utensils.  The utensils then pick up the food to put into ones’ mouth – strange concept for some.  When one has finished a meal, it is customary to lay ones’ cutlery side by side in the middle of the plate to indicate you have finished.  This should be followed with a ‘thank you’.   And whatever it is that you need to say could probably wait until you have swallowed!

I have the utmost respect for all teachers.  I think they are brave, amazing humans as they actually choose to be locked in a room with at least 25 kids, 6 hours a day, 5 days a week – honestly I take my hat off to you because 6 minutes with mine can do my head in – and  I know them!  If parents actually taught their kids a few thing’s at home – I know it’s a far out concept – teachers might actually be able to do their job a little easier.  Imagine if class time was actually used as quality teaching time instead of ‘Manners 101 – What Your Parents Should Be Teaching you At Home’.

OK so I could probably go on and on about this but I better wrap it up here lest I burst a blood vessel.

Thank you for reading my blog.

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The Phantom Crapper!

Sharing toilets at work.  What do ya reckon?  It’s great hey…..

Where I am  at the moment, there is a whole set of toilets downstairs that like anyone in the building has access to.  Well not most of the normal people.  It’s for the lycra parade really.  The freaks that ride in and need to shower.  Or the gym junkies that fit in a quick workout and shower before work. And then crap……….ALL OVER THE FUCKING TOILET!

And the thing is, she does it EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!  Like bitch please, ease off on the fucken protein shakes!  Too my quinoa is clearly not good!  Remember this:

well, that’s what it’s like.  OK that’s what it seems like.  And the cleaners, oh the poor cleaners!

So in my mind, she became the phantom crapper.  The phantom crapper who could be anyone!  Then it strikes me, what if it’s someone I work with?  How can I look at them the same way knowing that the knowingly leave the toilet in such a horrific state? Oh god, then it strikes me.  What if it’s a co-worker?  How can I look at them the same way knowing that they could do something like that! Please, please don’t be a co-worker.  But then it strikes me, it can’t be a co-worker as there is other evidence that this chick is just a dirty lazy mole.  Apart from the obscene amount of crap she leaves behind in the toilet, there is also makeup all over the sink.  Not even an attempt is made to wipe it up.  Like bitch please, how is the rest of your house.

And then it happens……….one of the worst moments ever…………I walk in and there she is……The Phantom Crapper in the flesh!  Now I’m pretty sure this is the Phantom Crapper as she is putting make up on her face and all over the sink and I know that in toilet number 2, there is a horrific mess left behind.  I enter toilet number 1, better to be safe than sorry, quickly do my thing and get the fuck out of there……do not make small talk with my Phantom Crapper do not even try!  And it’s confirmed, I came face to face with The Phantom Crapper.

And you know what – She had no shame and leaves that mess for the poor cleaners to sort out!  And you know what – What if the cleaners don’t know that its The Phantom Crapper and think it’s me – How Mortifying!  Thanks very much Phantom Crapper ya dirty mole!  The cleaners are my friends!  So if you work in a big building, and share toilets, know this.  If you insist on destroying the toilet every time you go, your identity will not remain anonymous forever – Sort That Shit Out (see what I  did there!)  And do not smile at me when you see me with a cheery Good Morning because I know EXACTLY WHAT YOU LEFT BEHIND!

So that my friends, that is the joys of working in a big building and sharing toilets with some dirty, dirty, dirty moles.  And this, this is a little reminder….

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What’s in a Name?

On This Day…..A post from all the way back when this blog was just a wee baby….2012


OK so I’m going to need to reveal the names of Mr Cruisey, Moomoo and Monkeyboy.  They are Jurgen, Ryan and Will respectively.  So starts this blog.  As you can imagine, Jurgen got a bit of grief at school for his name – geez can you imagine?  So when deciding on names for the kids was a bit of a no brainer – OK to be honest, Jurgen didn’t really get a say in it.  Well come on, we all say that they get a say in it but how many of you out there really let him get away with it??

So Ryan was a name I always liked – apparently so did a few other people at the time of his birth because hello – there’s a few around!  Will was named after the brooding, tortured genius in Good Will Hunting.  Yeah I know you all thought it was after Will ‘gettin jiggy with it’ Smith – and you can than me later for putting that tune in your head (still signing it hey!)

So they are fairly simple names right?  Four letters, all good.  We call Ryan Moo Moo or Mooey – it’s a name he got from Aunty and it’s just kinda stuck.  It is starting to cause him a little embarrassment now so yelling it from the side lines must be carefully monitored.  Or anywhere in public for that matter – but of course we have free reign over this at his 18th and or 21st!

Will is another matter.  People ask ‘So what is Will short for?’  Well it’s not short for John now is it??  Will is short for Will.  Not William, not Willis, not Winston – although on refection, that is a cool name.  We do call Will Wilbur – ok alot – and people have assumed that that is his name – hey it is another cool name, is it not?  He has in the past told people this is his name and we do get some funny looks when we call him that.

So when thinking of name for you kids, just keep a couple of thing’s in mind.  Does it sound OK with an O or Y on the end – boys love to do this to names right?  Think Dano, Marco, Johno, Pauly, Danny, Richy – in retrospect, something I didn’t consider.  Naming kids after countries, towns or fruit is really just setting them up for grief.

So on the parental journey, names are something to be considered fairly early on in the piece – I mean they only have it for life right?

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No Guns Allowed!

On This Day…A post from 2013…

I went to a party recently as Lara Croft (yes I pictured Angelina Jolie in my mind to, sadly, the photos told a different story) and I wanted some guns for the costume – well do you think I could find some??

We have become so politically correct that guns are slowly going off the shelves.  You can buy Western guns and pretend you are a cowboy – because cowboys are the good guys right (hmm debatable isn’t it) and you can buy Viking swords and pirate swords, but not guns.

Gone are the days when you could buy things like toy grenades and kit yourself out in army gear, go all commando?  Now you just gotta throw rocks and use sticks – takes the game to a whole new level.  (Note: rocks and sticks ok, toy guns not – insert irony).  So you can’t buy toy guns, toy guns are bad but hey, check out those two whole isles of……. NERF GUNS!!!!  

NERF GUNS – completely ok because they shoot foam bullets – foam bullets folks, that’s ok!

Look at them:

And if you happen to stumble upon a Nerf War (which does happen in this crazy house), please find some useful tips courtesy of You Tube below:


So here’s how it is.  You can’t buy toy guns that don’t shoot anything, that you would need to use your imagination with and make up those crazy noises that all boys seem to be able to make up but you can get a Nerf Gun that shoots foam bullets like a semi-automatic gun…. STRAIGHT INTO YOUR EYE if you are not careful……hmmmm….. ironic aint’ it!

(Come on, it’s funny)

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