I’m a Half-Caste Maori Kid

That’s what I was called as a kid. Black Maori Father + White Pakeha (European) Mother = Half-caste. In our minds, it wasn’t a racial slur or inappropriate, it just was. And look, normal (ish) to have bi-racial parents in New Zealand. But we grew up with a white Dad, in white Australia, 2 white parents, 2 brown kids.

It’s 1978 and we immigrate to Australia. We moved to a nice suburb in Brisbane and went to a nice primary school. And we were two of only a few dark skinned kids there at the time. I don’t really remember it being an issue although there were certainly some arseholes about but that’s to be expected. When we would go out as a family, that caused more than a few second looks and ignorant arseholes muttering under their breath. And when the very white sister was born, well, fuck, all bets were off then.

.Being a half-caste Maori kid with a white Mum, Dad and sister would fuck with a lot of people so there were thing’s that have been said to me my whole fucking life……

‘Where do you come from’ ‘What have you got in you?’

‘Are you adopted’ ‘ Is he adopted’ ‘ Is she adopted’

‘Are you sure you’re Maori’ ‘You don’t look Maori’ ‘ You mustn’t have much in you’

‘but you’re white’ ‘but she’s white’ ‘but he’s black’ ‘you must get a good tan’

‘YOU’RE NOT REALLY A MAORI ARE YOU?’

My. Whole. Fucking. Life. So I was either too Maori, or not Maori enough. And there were times that I wanted to be more Maori and times that I thought I was a fraud. When you get told or asked these things often enough, it can make you feel like fucking shit. It’s confusing. Especially as a kid and a teenager when you’re already struggling with identity. But thankfully, I come from a long line of warriors, starting with my Mother. Our Mum and Dad never let that shit be part of our lives. We grew up with so many people around us, we had people come and go our whole lives, they either started as family, but would always end up as family. It seemed everyone that immigrated to Australia, started at our house. And man, what a great way to learn how to be a good fucking human.

So for me, those days are long gone. I am comfortable telling my story, or telling people to fuck off, whichever fits the mood. I know kids can be arseholes and throughout their lives, my boys and nieces will probably feel the way I did growing up, but we will talk about it when they want to. I’ve made a choice to educate myself about my culture, my family and other indigenous cultures, starting with our first nations people here is Australia. I will stand up for injustice, I will fight to have my voice heard and I stand up for what I believe in.

I am a Woman, I am a Warrior. I am Ngati Huia

I am a Lover, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Aunty, Niece

I am a Fighter, I am a Survivor

I am Human

I came across this on Youtube. It’s pretty fucking accuarate.

PS….. This is my post, if you don’t like the language I’m using, off you fuck now. It’s my story.

Being a Mum Challenge…..(Keeping Shit Real!)

There seems to be a lot of challenges lately on Facebook doesn’t there. And everyone jumps on the fucking bandwagon. It’s as if there’s a panfuckingdemic going on or something? So anyway, I’m curious, how does one get invited to be in the challenge? I always see…..’I’ve been invited by blah to do blah’….. I never get invited. It may have something with me being a bit (lot) of a cynical bitch or my actual friends knowing me really well (thank you to my tribexx ) but well, ya never know. So seeing as I don’t get invited (rude) to them, I’m going to show you how I would respond if I ever were invited to do the …..Being a Mum Challenge on Facebook.

So this is us…..

Here’s me, after 36 hours of labour, one of the happiest days of my life. I am morphined up to the eyeballs, just had an emergency caesar and I’m trying to smile but cannot feel my face. Welcome to fucking Motherhood.

Hello everybody……(I can’t feel my face)

Round 2 was not as bad. Although, he decided to be breech so another caesar for me. At least this one was booked in so I knew what to expect. Welcome to fucking Motherhood round 2!

Not fucking glamourous…

Then there’s all the years in between and blah blah blah baby, toddler, childhood and jump to Motherhood – current mode…. This is fucking Motherhood…..

How….how is it so hard to put a fucking toilet roll on correctly….how??? It’s an ongoing joke. The actual day that I go in the loo and it’s on right, I nearly fucking fall over. This is a very, very rare occasion. But big ups to the boys on those days. I mean it is really super difficult to do so I hope they understand the sense of achievement….(and don’t even get me started about missing the fucking toilet….)

Why……

And then there’s this….the fucking washing pile… even in a panfuckingdemic it never ends…

Neverfuckingending

And this!!! This!!! There’s a fucking note!

Yep, that’s a sticky note…

Then the bedroom. As expalined in previous posts, this is a fucking war zone. I know I shouldn’t get as stressed, and it’s their room but come on…..really?? Really??? Just make the bed for fucks sake…..it’s just not going to happen is it…….

And….how’s about the texts…..


I’m sure this is the most favourite question of all…….for them!

And then the shopping….they never stop eating……

But these are my favourites……

They got me plants….I was very happy…

And this is the Being a Mum Challenge…….KEEPING SHIT REAL!

What a Week!

Accuate portrayal of me this week…..

Well that was fucked. I can say the wheels well and truly fell off, fucked off and are still yet to return to the correct position. It started last Saturday. It was Anzac Day and we did the driveway service. We were out the front, Jurgen had his guitar so he could play the Last Post and then all of a sudden, the neighbours come out IN FULL RAAF UNIFORM! Tears, a flood of tears! To be honest, it was fucking awesome to see so many people out on their driveways (I did pop over and give those boys a bottle of wine later that day because, well, fuck, they deserved it!).

Later that day, we did our weekly Zoom chat with the girls – obviously I ended up drunk – then I proceeded to have a lounge room disco with myself whilst watching Homefront – bloody great gig put on by Australian muscians for the all of the phenomenal health workers. So I’m singing (badly), dancing and crying…… and the boys are just going with it. Well to be fair, I think they were too scared to say anything because well….emotions were high! And I was in my zone (fuck I miss music festivals….)

You see, I think it just all caught up with me ya know. In the beginning of the shitshow, I would be watching the news as soon as I got up and I would absorb the information, watch different channels to get the same news but I needed to keep up to date! To be honest, I would always be confused but it was always the same outcome – SHIT IS FUCKED. I needed to see how, if and when thing’s may return to normal (normal, fuck, it’s going to be a whole different normal now isn’t it!) so I could get my head around everything that was going on. And I don’t reckon I was alone in this. We are all just waiting this thing out and doing our thing right?

And then as the week progressed, the emotions settled down, I went in to the office to be with other adults and we get the news that Australia is doing ok. We are far better off that a lot of other countries and I think we all just did a collective sigh of relief and in a nice turn of events, we are even getting some restrictions lifted tomorow. Well done to us!

Which will be of great news to my Mother. She has been a bit like a naughty teenager. She wanted to ‘sneak out and get a haircut’ the other week. What the fuck? I’m like ‘Dawn, it’s not really about sneaking out, it’s about like not catching a virus and dying’. I let that sink in for a little bit then she relented and agreed so there was no salon visit. But hows about the Boomers acting like teens! And they’re not even good at it! I was excellent at sneaking, lying and general mayhem when I was a teen with minimal times getting caught (although when I did, well that’s another story).

But as the week comes to a close, and I’m sitting on the deck with a glass of vino, freezing as Mother Nature has decided to kick the shit out of us with a cold blast, I say to my my fellows Queenslanders, as restrictions are lifted a little tomorrow, DON’T BE FUCKTARDS then perhaps we can return to a new normal and kick this motherfucking virus in the dick!

This is Mum on the right with the matriach of the family. I’m glas Nan’s not around for this shitshow. She’d have something to say about it, especially seeing as bottle shops were shut in New Zealand!

And downlaod the fucking APP!

COVIDSafe app | Australian Government Department of Health

Fark Routine…

So, since this shit storm started, schools have closed, shops have closed, work has gone and that means a lot of extra time on our hands. Stuck indoors mostly but a lot of extra time….So, like a lot of other people, my anxiety has been up and I get myself a bit frazzled. The thing is right, I’m the type of person that needs plans or routine. I’m not super strict about it, geez, at times, as many can testify, I change my plans on the regular, sometimes they can change a number of times within a few minutes, I mean this post was going to be about something else….wait, I’m getting off topic (insight into how my brain works there! Yes, mostly a Type A thingy…)

So thanks to the Australian Government, I am back at work for 3 days a week, so for them, I’m sorted. But that leaves 4 days….4 whole days. Obviously the hubby is home on weekends so we will hang out. I also have a regular Zoom gathering with the girls on a Saturday which can go for 40 mintues to 4 hours and no one gets out of it sober. And the hubby and I are deep in Iso Scrabble – he’s winning 4 – 2 it’s killing me! So I guess you could say I do have a regular ish… routine.

But filling those other days is weird. When all of this went down, and we knew we were going to lose work and be at home more, the first thing I thought was – OMG, I can get so much done! I’ve even broken it down into a few categories – Home Stuff / Art Stuff / Learning Stuff. Home stuff is the obvious things like spring cleans, declutter, clean walls (seriously??), the bottom drawer in the farking kitchen…stuff that you never really get to. Art stuff varies depending on what pops into my head but I am actually most happy when I am creating. Learning stuff is for Auslan, Maori and Poi….. and possibly piano (although the husband has firmly taken over this for now). And lots of planting….

So to organize these frazzled ideas, I thought I might try and do up a plan., start a routine for all of these ‘extra’ things I can now do with the free time that I have. So I grabbed a few books and started writing down daily routines, ideas etc. I thought this would help…..well, fark me, it truely DOES.NOT.HELP! You know why? The fucking pressure! I just put pressure on myself to complete all these ‘tasks’ in my ‘free’ time. And some days, shit goes South so obviously, it’s a shake up of the roster for that day! So you know what…..

FARK ROUTINE. Routine can eat a bag of dicks. We are in a worldwide panfarkingdemic. There’s so much to stress about in this time let alone putting additional pressure on ourselves. You know what, if you have pants on today, if you changed into your day pyjamas, if you cleaned your teeth and did your hair, well fark it, you are doing well I reckon.

#fuckcovid19

Well, it’s the weekend….

This is my niece, she know’s what’s up!

So, seeing as the world is totally fucked, Netflix, Stan, all the streaming services are getting a good work out. You know what it’s like, watch a couple of shows, lose a few hours, days…..you know how it goes… and after watching a few shows, they decide to give you some recommendations based on what you have been watching. It is then you realize that:

1: Your viewing choice features a lot of dysfunctional families,

2: You may actually be them,

3: You are going to come out of this Pandemic with a few extra kilos.

So while sitting on the couch binge watching a series, snacking and not moving much, it’s time to download an App or even a few apps because lets be honest, having at least 3 fitness Apps is the go, with the full intent of not putting on those extra kilos just because of a global pandemic! You will get off the couch, get fit, lose weight and reset those goals but the thing is….

there’s another episode to watch…..so then you decide – right, tomorrow is a new day, no point starting now as you know, it’s late and I have to prepare myself and well, you know, it’s Saturday so, I’ll start tomorrow, no, I’ll start after the weekend, that way I won’t get bummed if I don’t start tomorrow because well…. it’s the weekend still….

Hope your isolation is going well….#fuckoffcovid-19

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Jumpsuits….what’s up with that.

Or are they called Rompers, and if so…

I gotta say, it is a game, brave woman that is over 40 who wears a jumpsuit.

Salute that fucking Queen!

Seriously, how someone can wear them, and get them off in time without pissing themselves needs to be championed.

Man, if I was in one and had to try to get out of one in a hurry, guaranteed I would be falling on my arse, smacking my head and losing a good 48 hours – and not in a fun “I lost 48 hrss” kind of way.

Or worse, I’d get stuck in it and then well, you can figure the rest. 

Seems I’m not the only one that is amazed at these things….the internet has come through…enjoy….

Image result for funny women in jumpsuits meme

Shits Farked……

Well fans, shits fucked! | Know Your Meme

Shits farked hey? It’s heavy man, like really heavy.

Here in Queensland, we seem to be a bit useless so it’s only now that clear directives of ‘Stay the Fuck Home’ have come into play.  For us, we knew shit was really bad when they closed Skateparks….Closed Skateparks…..never in my life would I have thought I would     1>     say this and     2>      nearly cry over it….why you ask…..well just like a great deal of other parents, although we love our kids, liking them over the next period of time….might get tough.

Yeah I know, we’re all in this together because fuck, we hear that so often, it’s on a loop I’m sure.  My concern is the same as everyone else’s obviously.  We are all in the same situation but one BIG difference between little ones and big ones ie: Teens is this…….

THE ROOM SMELL…….

It’s so weird.  The teens don’t smell, (well they shouldn’t after the amount of time they spend in the shower….), their clothes don’t smell so why the fuck do their rooms get that funky smell?  It’s like the Daycare Smell, The School Smell or worst of all, The Lost Property Smell.  The teens room is a mystery.  And no matter how many times you tell them to open the windows, or go and open the windows yourself, the funk just creeps back in.

And on top of that, with both boys home more often now, another area that is just farked is the toilet.  At least when they would come and go, it didn’t get that bad but now….fark….it’s like TARGET PRACTICE  in there!

So the coming months are going to be challenging for a number of reasons, the funky room smell, the target practice in the toilet and don’t even mention the fucktards out there panic buying, it’s a crazy, weird time so, stay safe out there folks and ‘Stay the Fuck at Home!’

How to Get Rid of Teenage Boy Stink in a Room | Boys, Teenage room ...

When Hot Drinks Go Rogue

Image result for funny menopause memes

Caffeine. It’s the start to a lot of people’s day right?

Some would say, it’s the only way to start the day, well let’s be honest, it bloody well is.  It is a small moment of pleasure to kick start you into gear.  Or tea.  I love me a tea, especially when I’ve had a couple of sherberts the night before….somehow, tea helps with the rehydration….

But on a usual day, it’s a couple of coffees in the morning, maybe a tea in the afternoon.  I’d do coffee in the arvo, but it’s always touch and go what time to have it, how will I sleep, then I get anxious thinking about it and that’s how tea wins.  Although lately, I’m on the green tea wagon but….that fucker doesn’t mind keeping you up to so….the battle is real.

BUT FUCK THESE HORMONES BECAUSE HOT DRINKS HAVE NOW GONE ROGUE! It’s farked!!!! Have a coffee or tea and within about 3.2 farking seconds, sweating like the bejesus.  It’s not so bad when I’m at home, I can wipe the moisturizer off my neck that was once on my face, full wipe down, but fark, when you’re out, that’s a whole different story!

You got to pick your moments, let me tell you.  Do you risk having a mega sweat out in public? I mean nothing looks better than a hot flustered 48 year old woman right?  And here’s a hot tip…..never ask a 48 year old woman, that’s a little (farking lot) sweaty, if they are alright….

NO, WE ARE NOT ALRIGHT!

And we only have a few more years of this shit……great…..

This arsehole hormonal moment bought to you by caffeine.

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