I Am Woman Hear Me Roar!

Seriousfarkingly…….Look at this list of crap……

35 Symptoms of Perimenopause

  • Hot flashes, hot flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling
  • Irregular heart beat
  • Irritability
  • Mood swings, sudden tears
  • Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats)
  • Irregular periods; shorter, lighter periods; heavier periods, flooding; phantom periods, shorter cycles, longer cycles
  • Loss of libido
  • Vaginal dryness
  • Crashing fatigue
  • Anxiety, feeling ill at ease
  • Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom
  • Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion
  • Disturbing memory lapses
  • Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence
  • Itchy, crawly skin
  • Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons
  • Increased tension in muscles
  • Breast tenderness
  • Headache change: increase or decrease
  • Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea
  • Sudden bouts of bloat
  • Depression
  • Exacerbation of existing conditions
  • Increase in allergies
  • Weight gain
  • Hair loss or thinning, head, pubic, or whole body; increase in facial hair
  • Dizziness, vertigo, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance
  • Changes in body odor
  • Electric shock sensation under the skin and in the head
  • Tingling in the extremities
  • Gum problems, increased bleeding
  • Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odor
  • Osteoporosis (after several years)
  • Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier
  • Tinnitus: ringing in ears, bells, ‘whooshing,’ buzzing etc.

Seriousfarkingly…..WTF?  Just look at all the fun we have to look forward to.

OK so, we can make a human but……….you get to be a raging hormonal beast every month, then oh wait, that ain’t ever gonna stop but hey, you will save on sanitary products then we will throw a whole bunch of new symptoms your way.  Seriousfarkingly!

You know when Helen Reddy sang I am Woman and it was an anthem for women all over the world???? Yeah fairly certain she was talking about menopause…..Here, you be the judge!

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The Story So Far…….

So, how ya been?  I haven’t blogged in 4 months….4 MONTHS!!!! Do you want to know what’s been going on……well a shit ton really!

The year started out not so bad ya know – well pretty good actually and thing’s were going swimmingly…….then, well, I think the planets crash tackled the stars, the sun and the moon got in on the action and then, well shit city……..

I quit my full-time job as I have decided to start-up a Wedding Consulting Business (still very early and still under construction…..a lot of construction) so I now have 3 jobs until world domination with my business.  I am casual Restaurant Manager, a Book keeper and Cleaner – hey, whatever gets you by and to be honest, I am enjoying them all – so work wise, that is still generating an income.

Then in August, we lost the matriarch of the family – my Nan passed away in her sleep aged 95.  Hey, as far as going out is concerned, she did it in style.  Quick trip to NZ with the family to say our farewells and then back to more heart-break, much more heart-break.

On September 22, 2015, we lost our beloved Moose.  He was only 3.5 years old and got cancer – a really nasty motherfarker of a cancer and we had to let him go.  My little family was broken – still is and the grief monster, well that beast just keeps giving doesn’t it – arsehole!

2015-06-25 08.17.13


We decided that we would get a new puppy……meet Benson…..

Then, my brother decides to go and lose his knee – like literally – full patella rupture.  This leads to a few selfies with the green whistle on Facebook, a fairly straight forward ish operation and then a shit ton of complications.  He has been in and out of hospital ever since with blood clots – like scary arse shit 50/50 chance thing’s are looking really farked up kinda scary.  He is finally getting back on top of things – although as recently as last Thursday he was back in hospital but all in all, on the mend.

So yeah, shit city in the past few months.

But do you want to hear the kicker……………

The doctor told me I am Peri Menopausal……..get farked!

So, I have decided that it is time to start blogging again because if I don’t vent, I will explode and ain’t no-one got time for that shit so…. from now on, let’s just say there will be plenty more ramblings from a HORMONAL PRE MENOPAUSAL CRAZY WOMAN because let’s be honest, stupid happens Every.Single.Day!!!

(Inserting Inspirational Quote…..)

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Someone Yells at a kid…..world shuts down…..


Social media had a little blow up over this café owner who…(shock horror) yelled at a customer…..ok….the customer was like ….a  toddler….but technicalities …and besides, the article asked what do I think……well strap in folks, here goes:

I am a mother.  I am a hospitality worker.

So, as a mother, I don’t really want anyone yelling at my kids.  And although the boys are now teens, I reckon in my sleep deprived fun-filled toddler years, if someone were to yell at them, I would have unleashed on them.  Now that the boys are teens, it also reminds me of the tantrums they would throw as a toddler, because right now – teen vs toddler = same beast!  And when the toddlers had a ie in public, well it sucked.  It sucked big time but man, everyone goes through it at some point with a toddler.  A 40 Minute tantrum – well fuck me Ma and Pa, you let the toddler have a 40 Minute tantram, you are idiots!  And at a café, again, idiots.

As a hospitality worker – that shit would have driven me insane.  As a 20 year veteran in hospitality, I have had my fair share of dealing with lots of different personalities.  As a hospitality worker in the corporate world well – corporates vs toddler = same beast at times.  At  least when I am dealing with a strong personality, generally they can talk and reason with me (and I will get a tip!), toddler and toddlers parents, no reasoning there…..  So you have a café full of people.  You have orders coming at you, you have noise and you have a screaming toddler – FOR 40 MINUTES.!  How the workers didn’t lose it after 20 minutes is a testament to them – 40 Minutes (ok I am not getting my heard around that clearly!)

So kidpsot article, you asked my opinion.  Although the café owner may seem a little nuts in the interview, I think she is right.  It is well within her rights to let loose.  It’s her place of business so she is the one that will cop the consequences – good, bad, indifferent.  As the article states, the kid stopped the tantie after the yelling from the owner so really, the only damage done is to the parents bruised egos I reckon.  40 minutes – fuck me!

To be honest, I want to know if the toddler got the pancakes or not?

This kid got his pancakes!

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Girls Night Out.

May and June were big months for partying with varying results.  Some not bad…..some well………

It started in early May when we went to see Alt J.  They played at The Riverstage – an awesome outdoor venue in Bris Vegas.  There was Mr Cruisey, Mr & Mrs Silby and the
Bestie.  Now, this was the Besties first night out post baby and it was her birthday and this gig was a year in the making so we were a little (ALOT) excited.  Excited enough to plan on smuggling vodka into the gig and excited enough to hit up the Jagermeister with vodkas for warm ups…….and that ended up being a not so great decision for yours truly.  See when you’re excited, you can sometimes think you are invincible.  Jager and I started out as friends, then it decided to kick my arse and let me know who was boss.   10 000 people at a gig. 1 super drunk short person who lost her legs, needed to be carried out…..yep, that was I!  And in public….oh the shame.

And then last Saturday, another gig with Mrs Silby.  Just the two of us.  Just a couple of warm up drinks at home……..and then more. A.lot.more.drinks….  And do you think any lesson was learnt form the previous gig……………..well, at least I didn’t get carried out!

You see, this is what happens.  When the girls get to go out, it is super exciting.  I don’t care if you are 8 or 80.  If you are going out with the girls, a good time shall be had by all.  And it’s even better when you know you no longer have to shave the legs or the pits or do your nails or get a spray tan or do whatever it is that the singles do.  So there is always the warm up drinks and we justify that with ‘the price of drinks these days’ but really, it’s excitement…..and then it’s look out – we are out for a night on the town.  And we’re trying not to look at the youngins and think silly things like ‘oh dear, that’ll be mine in 3 years time’ or ‘if he brings anything like that home, she ain’t getting in the door’ or ‘man, I’m too old for this shit’……..but on we go.

And then, it hits leaving time.  You know this because you are either a) well shit faced or b) falling asleep or c) both and it seems that the only thing that hasn’t changed since the days you were going out a lot more until now, are the taxi cues.  The horrible wait at the taxi line, under the bright unforgiving, wrinkle showing light, the bloody taxi lines.

But, once home, you analyse the night, realize how super awesome it was, try on a few sexy moves, pass out, try not to toss your bikkies and wake up with an almighty mofo of a hangover, suffer all day and swear off drinking forever.


#neverdrinkingagain…….yeah, that old chestnut!

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Wedding Speeches…..Re Post…..

Thought I might give you a little repost for the day…..Please enjoy!!


In real life, I’m a Wedding and Events Manager – fancy smanshy title for your Wedding Coordinator.  In my times, I have seen some crackers and some shockers.  I have heard some great speeches and I have heard some cringe worthy moments for example:


ING.  SomethING, NothING, see the ING sound?  PING, DING, BLING.  More examples of ING sound.  INK – PINK, LINK, CLINK These words use the INK sound.  SomethINK is not a word.  NothINK is not a word.  ING – Put an ‘R’ in front of it and it say RING.  I can guarantee Beyonce didn’t say put a RINK on it.


noun – a femail sheep
plural noun: ewes
Talking about female sheep, one would USE the word EWES.  When standing at the podium, addressing the crowd, one should not, never ever USE the word EWES.  Example:
“I would like to thanks EWES all for coming’.  I can see the confusion here as I believe that the actual word they are after is YOUSE.  I do understand the confusion here and it is so commonly USED that it even pops up in the Urban Dictionary –
(Australian) Of Bogan origins.
Plural of You. Referring to a more that one person. The pinnacle of ignorant grammar. Non-bogans think this term is hilarious, especially when used by a bogan or by another non-bogan imitating a bogan.

Bogans can’t spell this word, known variations are: Yous, You’s (the reason for apostrophe usage is yet to be discovered depite teams of scholars devoting their efforts)

“what’re youse guys doin’ youse wanna get some beers of somethink?”
See, I’m sure that is the word they were after.
If you are the Best Man or Groomsman starting out the speech with, ‘Well I didn’t really like her when I met her but I do now’ aint gonna win you any friends and I can guarantee that when those Rumbos kick in, someone is gonna say something about that speech dude.  Look, we know you’re still living in the whole ‘Bro’s before ho’s’ thing but dude – you’re at his wedding, pretty sure he didn’t pick the Bro…. just saying.
If you are the Matron of Honour or Bridesmaid  – See above!
Following on from above, it is really not necessary to point out the conquests and the ‘fun times’ the Bride or Groom had.  Really, you ain’t fooling anyone by pointing this out as it really only points out your insecurities.  Common, just common.
Don’t do the following:  The Drunk Speech or The ‘Wishing It Was Me’ Speech, the How many Times Can I Swear Speech – Common, just common.
If you got your speech off the internet, chances are we’ve heard it before.  I know, you took so much time trolling the internet for the funny ones and although it’s on the internet, in your head no-one would have used it…….Ah, it’s the internet – really?
So from my fancy smanshy position, these are some of the crimes against Wedding speeches that I have heard, sometimes repeatedly and I am in no doubt that I will hear them again…….
And here’s a little post I did a while ago…

I came across this article….


it gave me a good giggle.  Being in the position that I am in, I see some strange things and I completely understand the position these ladies are in.  It’s weird, it’s like we women lose our ability to understand right from wrong when it comes to weddings?  What is the G-O??  I think there should be some rules.  Here is my list, I’m going to call it:

Dont Go Bat Shit Crazy – An Outsiders View on Weddings

Yes, it is the biggest day of your life, some of you have probably dreamed of this day since you were a little girl and now Mr Right has come along and the planning has started.  You’ve found the venue, discussed the menu, got your church or celebrant booked but here are some little things that you should consider:

The Dress: Look, sweetheart necklines don’t always look good – actually, I reckon it’s pretty hard to pull off – just putting it out there.  Just because most dresses are strapless, that doesn’t mean one size fits all – no no no ladies.  When looking at this style of dress in magazines, just check out the size of the models….. again, just sayin….. Tuckshop arms……. just sayin……

Shoes:  Love, if you don’t really wear heels, why wear them that day?  I know they are pretty and sparkly but at least practice in them and don’t kick them off before the reception?  It’s not a good look seeing a bride wobble down the aisle and then carry your shoes around.  And let’s be honest, no one remembers your shoes!

Make Up:  Practice Run!  If you don’t wear a lot of make up usually, don’t go all hooker like for the day cause let me tell you, this is something everyone will remember and comment about!!  If your make up artists name is Madam Misty Rosy Cheeks Delite and has a suspicious lump in her throat, you probably won’t get subtle make up – do your research!  Oh, and waterproof mascara – do I need to explain??

Hair: See Above!!!

Decorations: It starts out just a few bits and pieces here and there, then it multiplies, then it multiplies some more, then it takes on a life of its own – ladies, sometimes just a few bits and pieces are enough.  Hey I’m a fan of a bargain, trust me, but just because you can get it on the cheap, doesn’t always make it the best choice.

The Cake:  Apparently this is a big deal.  Look, we all look at the cake, we all take photos of it and I tell you what, we will remember what it tastes like – um well actually, no we won’t.  By the time the cake comes out, most of our mouths are numb from a few hours of drinking and really, if we box it up and take it home, we’re probably going to eat it hungover and it will be the best thing ever – so about the cake, don’t worry about it too much.

Piss Fart Drunk: Fine line isn’t there.  Firstly, eat that day.  Yes it’s a stressful day – although it really doesn’t need to be and if you get on it too early, chances are Piss Fart Bride is on her way.  Piss Fart Bride had her day on her Hens Day, best she keep it a distant memory on her big night – but hey, if it’s really good champagne, well all bets are off right?  You may be Piss Fart Bride but no-one really needs to know – one foot in front of the other……… Oh and heads up, back to those shoes, heels will not be your friend right now!

Bridezilla: Oh yes, that’s right, don’t become the Bridezilla!  Everyone knows it’s your day and your people are on your side and are there to help you.

So, that’s just a little advice but look, it’s your day, bloody enjoy it – dress as you want, do what you want, get a bubble machine, smoke machine and throw glitter everywhere, eat, drink and be merry because it really is all about you!

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What’s Been Happening…..

So….well…..yep, not gonna beat around the bush, I have been neglecting my little blog.  I have been a little busy, a little distracted, a little lazy and well, there are a couple of reasons for this:

1)  The teenager is now on Face book and he tells me that I must ask permission before I say anything about him.  (The other one is not on to that yet….there is some hope)  I try to explain that it is not anything mean, it’s just that they do so much stupid shit are my inspiration a lot of the time and I like to share their embarrassing moments achievements with everyone.   Yeah righto, I do kinda vent about them…..a lot….and to be honest, it’s like venting about a toddler, they just keep doing the same shit, and then they stop, and then they do it again…..get my point.

2) I have decided to start-up my own business – there ‘bang’!!!!


I’m going to put myself out there and do what I do best and see how it goes – man, what have I got to lose? (income….???)  I am going to be a Wedding Consultant & Event Planner.  I have started the journey and have made a lot of connections but it is very very early so I am yet to put in my all at this point (but I am going to go full steam ahead!), which brings me to the next point….

3) I am leaving my secure, paying, full-time job after 18 years.  (Wow, that looks scary now that it is written down…)  I started at my job in 1996.  I have left 4 times but always found my way back.  I have worked in every department here and have a wealth of experience however, I have gone as far as I can go and it is time to move on.  (I do have another part-time job to go to (until world domination of the Wedding Conulting) so it is not totally grim).  It’s like moving out of home ya know – super exciting and scary at the same time but hey, sometimes ya just gotta jump.

4) I have jumped into business with my sister and brother as well (just because I didn’t have enough going on).  The company called Sustainable Childcare Consultancy was started by my sister and brother a couple of years ago and we have now decided to move away from products and focus on consulting – my sisters specialty.  Our Face book page is:


5) Mr Cruisey, my bearded god, did his first art exhibition.  I am so, so super proud of him.  I have always known how talented he is and he got to showcase it all in Bris Vegas recently.  Here is his RAW Artists Profile:


  and follow him on Face book:


He is a very funny, spunky, witty man!

So, that’s where I’ve been.  I just got distracted for a while.  I am going to keep this bloggidy blog going and just let it take on a life of its own.  I will continue to blog about the crazy goings on in my little family (with permission of course) plus other crazy thing’s that happen in this thing called Life!!

And I leave you with a little clip that makes me crack up every.single.time – Have a great week x


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The ‘Then and Now’

Oh how I love a good ‘Then and Now’ gallery – I mean I.LOVE.THEM! If you looked at my Google history or FB history, you will see that I go into heaps of these galleries….heaps! (And yes there may some random stuff in there that you cannot judge me on – I’m sure it was for research…)  It’s kind of like FB stalking isn’t it – oh come on, like you haven’t done that??!!!  I reckon these are some crackers – from the 80’s of course…

 Yeah, We Love The Goonies!

Ah, there be some classics…..

But you want controversy I hear…..

Well then……

 Stay off the drugs kids….

  and out of the plastic surgeons office…..

Just like a bottle of red…..some age with grace…..and find a good hairdresser…


And then theres the lucky to be alive galleries…….LEGENDS…

So how about you – do you love the Now and Thens??

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You Have Been Sucessfully Unsubscribed…..

Man, I am a goon sometimes.  You’d reckon that by now I’d know that whenever you give your email out, you will be bombarded with crap.  Crap emails.  Crap empty promise emails.  They tell me I’m going to win all of these  excellent ‘things’.  All these super cool life saving cannot live without ‘things’.  I don’t know exactly what the ‘things’ are but I want them.  I want the ‘things’ and then………crap email after crap email after crap email after crap email.  And then the ‘things’ lose their shine and I want out – get me the fark outta here.  Get me off the lists – I am done – have your bloody ‘things’.
Ok, I’ll just unsubscribe…..yeah..just unsubscribe, it’s that simple…..well fark me it’s really not that simple.  Check this message out – I don’t even know what I subscribed to but this is what I got when I went to unsubscribe….
yeah, that’s right – Unsubscribe In ITALIAN like WTF?  It’s a bloody ploy.  You know what, I reckon when you unsubscribe, it really means this –
Go on, give it a shot, just try, just try and Unsubscribe I dare you!
You know this Unsubscribe button is a crock. What you actually need
to do is follow the yellow brick road and find the wizard.
The wizard is the keeper of the secrets and he had the key.  He is the only one
who can unsubscribe you but he is off tripping balls so sucked in you ain’t going
anywhere and the wizard is gonna fill you box up with crap, lots and lots of crap…but hey, you might get ‘things’…
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From the Archives………The Truth is Out There

Tis Easter after all so I thought I’d do a repost….This happened last year……


That’s it.

No more lies.

The truth is out there.

The truth is out there about all those freaky fictional characters that bring big bags of delight.

And what an anti climax it was.  The final Easter egg hunt has just happened. I thought it would be a big deal you know, fire works, hugs, cheers – something would’ve been nice.  I just feel, well, kinda empty.

And to make it worse, the boys were so blase about the Easter eggs, we even had to encourage them to look for the eggs.  The level of excitement registered between zero and none!  As Monkeyboy pointed out, ‘they’re in the same spots every year’.  Well come on kid, the Easter Bunny doesn’t want to battle The Moose in the middle of the night to lay the eggs outside – The Moose might like a little nibble on the Easter Bunny so the outside hunt is out of the question – and chocolate is no good for The Moose (yes, of course he would eat them all!) Moomoo was at least a little more excited, probably due to the fact that on this day, they get to have chocolate for breakfast.

So Mr Cruisey and I watch with anticipation for the excitement on their little cherub faces and wait for the squeals of joy as they find their Humpty Dumpty’s and other little treats and I want to see dancing and singing and jumping for joy but there is just……’can we have one for breakfast?’

And that’s it.

The last of the Great Easter Egg hunts is done.

And I feel empty.

I can’t remember what it felt like as a kid finding out the truth about all those freaky fictional characters that bring big bags of delight.  It was no doubt my bro who burst my bubble, or my cousins, actually, it was probably our cousins who told both of us and shattered our world, but anyway, today, knowing that this is the last Easter egg hunt we will have for a good number of years, kinda makes me feel sad.

Damn you freaky fictional characters that bring bags of delight not being real!

Happy Easter Y’all  and remember


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Q: What’s The Difference Between Toddlers & Teens…………

A: Nothing

Funny Teen Text Quotes Original.gif

It’s so weird.  I remember babydom.  I remember lack of sleep, 2 babies in nappies, constant bottle rotation, constant feeding, constant crapping and when you are strung out and people are saying to you ‘cherish these moments they go so quick’ and you just want to throat punch them, oh yeah, those were fun times.  But you get through ya know.  Ya get through all the moments and people say ‘oh it’s gets worse’ and those are the same people that you want to throat punch because when you’re in the moment, you really don’t want to hear crap like that.  You are just hanging on and are hoping thing’s get better.

Well, I’m sorry to you but the thing is……It does get better….And then it gets worse…….And then it gets better…….And then it gets worse……Do you see a pattern here????  Life folks, it’s life.  Shit is going to happen but one thing I have noticed now that the kid has hit the teens is this – I have a giant toddler.  I have a giant toddler with the upper body of a boyish manchild that is starting to change right before my eyes yet he has the attitude of a toddler!  You need proof – well here it is:


You know when a toddler throws itself around because it can’t get its own way and the world has ended?  Teens have tantrums.  Big sooky ‘I hate you’ tantrums.  Or loud ‘I hate you’ throwing shit around tantrums.  They both think the world revolves around them and if they don’t get their own way – Tantrum.

The Witching Hour:

5.00pm was always the Witching Hours for us – well that was the beginning of The Witching Hour and that could last for an hour or 3.  For teens, the Witching Hour now becomes hours………They can be broken down like this:

  1. Morning: From when they open their eyes until they walk out the door for school
  2. Afternoon: When they get home and can’t find anything  to eat because ‘there’s nothing to eat in this house’.  This usually continues until they are fed at dinner time.
  3. Evening: Usually occurs when teen is asked to do the dishes or if their homework is done or when they need their before bedtime feed.  Which brings me to the next similarity……

Food / Eating

Toddlers kinda eat smallish meals regularly right.  Teens seem to eat breakfast and from what I gather, don’t each much during the day and then constantly eat  from the minute they get home until they go to bed.  The grocery bill goes up and up and up and from what I hear from grown up manchildren is that they are amazed that they didn’t send their parents broke with what they ate – oh yeah, good times ahead.


Remember the baby smell?  Remember when you could kiss and snuggle the baby.  Play games with the baby and stick their feet in your mouth (seriously, we all did it) but once they put shoes on when they were a toddler – no need for feet to go anywhere near the mouth.  And they started to smell like a human and there was always some lingering food on shirt kinda smell.  Well teens – same thing.  Never go near the teens feet.  They start to smell funky and that is usually always covered up by too much ‘body spray’ yo heads up, body spray is not deodorant!!!


Toddlers make mess.  Toddlers drop shit everywhere.  You know where a toddler has been cause they leave a trails of shit.  Teens make mess.  Teens drop shit everywhere.  You know where a teen has been cause they leave a trail of shit.  End. Of.

So there ya go.  For every stage that you get through, don’t be surprised when exactly the same behaviour rears its ugly head again.  Teens are toddlers.  Just a bigger manchild version.

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