Bang Bang He Shot Me Down

On This Day….a repost from 2014….

So, your kids don’t play with guns?

Well thank god for that I mean, a kid with a gun isn’t really a good thing now is it I mean unless you live on the corner of Redneck and Thug street, probably no need for your kid to play with a gun.

Now, if you say you don’t want your kid playing with guns – pretend guns because guns are bad and guns teach the kid the wrong things and blah blah blah well I’m sorry to tell you but you really can’t stop it.  From the minute they can point their stubby little fingers to when they pick up a stick there’s always going to be some gun action going on, always.  Take a look in the playground – there’s gun action going on and what’s worse, it doesn’t stop.

It starts with the fingers.  And sticks……

It moves on to the water pistols in the party bags, the useless water pistols that only work for a little while and then as they get older, they upgrade.  They upgrade to water cannons that shoot water out at 300km / hr.  There are water fights around the pool, in the park anywhere as long as someone gets a soaking, it’s a good day.

Enter the Nerf Guns.  Guaranteed, they will get a Nerf gun at some point – from an Uncle (man I wish I had one of those) or a friend at their birthday party (yeah I’ve got one of these and they’re so cool). Nerf guns with there ‘take an eye out’ foam bullets that shoot at 300km / hr and also come in pink for the girls.  It’s ok to play with them because they are plastic and foam with a little rubber thrown in?

And then when they are not playing with the real pretend things, they show up in the games that all the cool kids are into.  And if it’s not guns in the games it’s swords or axes or bows and arrows so ya see, the kids are surrounded by weapons – PRETEND WEAPONS (unless like I said you live on the corner of Redneck and Thug Street, well that might be a little different) so peeps, maybe some of you need to unknot those knickers because, in my humble opinion, playing with toys doesn’t really lead you to being the kid on the roof out of Parenthood.

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What’s on your phone?

I leave my phone out……
and here’s what I find…….

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Short People Problems…….Sad Face…….

On This Day….A Repost from 2014….

#1: Clothes: You will never find a pair of jeans or pants that you don’t need to roll up or cut and sew.  I also call bullshit on one size fits all.

#2: ID: I was asked for ID at bars until I was 25.  Now, I try to give it to them and they kinda laugh

#3: Bar: I have found that sometimes I am taller when I sit on a bar stool.

#4: Kids: My sons friends are taller than me.  He is in Primary School.  Scares the shit out of me when they hit High School!

#5: Step Ladders/ Stools: I have 2 step ladders at home and 2 stools, just in case, and they get used….a lot.

#6: Cars: My Dad had to jack the seat up in my first car, it was a Toyota Corolla.  On the upside, when I was pulled over by the police, they were unsure if I was old enough to drive.  I got out of 5 fines in my first year of driving.

#7: Gigs:  I always try to get seating tickets then I can see with the big kids.  If I get standing, I usually find the biggest dude there and they kinda look down and feel bad and let me in so really, win, win right there.  I do however, always come out with a sore neck.

Anyone relate?

 

 

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I’m Going Down to Crazy Town!

 

On This Day….A post from 2013

Yep, that’s how I feel lately.  The soon to be 10-year-old is really testing me!

Seriously – WTF??  He’s so up and down.  So dark and sullen, then Mr Chatty McChat – I can’t keep up.  And smart arse – holy moly!  You know when toddlers go through that ‘no, no, no’ stage – apparently it comes back when they are 9 3/4 (just realized, 9 3/4 is the train station on Harry Potter – maybe the kid should find that station and take a ride!) Teenage years are gonna be a hoot – NOT!!!!

OK enough about that one, let’s move on to the next one.  When the hormonal beast takes over this one  it goes crazy – like waving hands in the air, jumping up and down nut job!  The dude you think ‘when did he escape the loony bin’ type crazy and then it crashes.  The ups and downs really rock his world – wtf is going on??

Fights – if I could throw them in the back yard, put a cage around them and line up a bookie, I reckon I could make some serious coin but seeing that this would be frowned upon, it’s probably not a great idea.  They call each other names and go the knuckle and honestly some days, I just gotta walk away – there are tears, there’s yelling, there’s wrestling and farting, and holding each other down and farting and burping and then I’m going down, down, down, down ,down, down, down,…. to Crazy Town!

View photo.JPG in slide show

They can be the best of friends and the worst of friends

How’s things at your house?

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I Beg your Pardon?

On This Day…..A post from 2012!

In all of the chaotic noise that is our house/life, one thing I never get sick of hearing are the ‘thank you’s.  Every time one of the boys says thank you, I know I have actually done something right.  You see, manners are really important to me.  There is one thing Dad always said to me ‘Manners are fee’ and it’s a fact, so where the bloody hell have they gone?

Why is it now up to teachers and other carers to teach our kids manners – has society really become that slack?  Or is it someone else’s fault?  Imagine if we took responsibility?  Whoa man!

We have been complimented numerous times on our kids manner.  I’m pretty sure that the years of threats and blackmail have actually paid off.  From saying thank you to each other to knowing how to put your cutlery on your plate to indicate you have finished your meal, these thing’s are important.  Little do they know that girls will become something of a fascination to them in the not too distant future, so when the boys meet the folks, they need to impress them – good manners will do that.

Like everything else we do in life, we should lead by example.  When you eat like an animal in front of your young ones, you are showing them that this is acceptable.  Ones’ hands should be used to hold the utensils.  The utensils then pick up the food to put into ones’ mouth – strange concept for some.  When one has finished a meal, it is customary to lay ones’ cutlery side by side in the middle of the plate to indicate you have finished.  This should be followed with a ‘thank you’.   And whatever it is that you need to say could probably wait until you have swallowed!

I have the utmost respect for all teachers.  I think they are brave, amazing humans as they actually choose to be locked in a room with at least 25 kids, 6 hours a day, 5 days a week – honestly I take my hat off to you because 6 minutes with mine can do my head in – and  I know them!  If parents actually taught their kids a few thing’s at home – I know it’s a far out concept – teachers might actually be able to do their job a little easier.  Imagine if class time was actually used as quality teaching time instead of ‘Manners 101 – What Your Parents Should Be Teaching you At Home’.

OK so I could probably go on and on about this but I better wrap it up here lest I burst a blood vessel.

Thank you for reading my blog.

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The Phantom Crapper!

Sharing toilets at work.  What do ya reckon?  It’s great hey…..

Where I am  at the moment, there is a whole set of toilets downstairs that like anyone in the building has access to.  Well not most of the normal people.  It’s for the lycra parade really.  The freaks that ride in and need to shower.  Or the gym junkies that fit in a quick workout and shower before work. And then crap……….ALL OVER THE FUCKING TOILET!

And the thing is, she does it EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!  Like bitch please, ease off on the fucken protein shakes!  Too my quinoa is clearly not good!  Remember this:

well, that’s what it’s like.  OK that’s what it seems like.  And the cleaners, oh the poor cleaners!

So in my mind, she became the phantom crapper.  The phantom crapper who could be anyone!  Then it strikes me, what if it’s someone I work with?  How can I look at them the same way knowing that the knowingly leave the toilet in such a horrific state? Oh god, then it strikes me.  What if it’s a co-worker?  How can I look at them the same way knowing that they could do something like that! Please, please don’t be a co-worker.  But then it strikes me, it can’t be a co-worker as there is other evidence that this chick is just a dirty lazy mole.  Apart from the obscene amount of crap she leaves behind in the toilet, there is also makeup all over the sink.  Not even an attempt is made to wipe it up.  Like bitch please, how is the rest of your house.

And then it happens……….one of the worst moments ever…………I walk in and there she is……The Phantom Crapper in the flesh!  Now I’m pretty sure this is the Phantom Crapper as she is putting make up on her face and all over the sink and I know that in toilet number 2, there is a horrific mess left behind.  I enter toilet number 1, better to be safe than sorry, quickly do my thing and get the fuck out of there……do not make small talk with my Phantom Crapper do not even try!  And it’s confirmed, I came face to face with The Phantom Crapper.

And you know what – She had no shame and leaves that mess for the poor cleaners to sort out!  And you know what – What if the cleaners don’t know that its The Phantom Crapper and think it’s me – How Mortifying!  Thanks very much Phantom Crapper ya dirty mole!  The cleaners are my friends!  So if you work in a big building, and share toilets, know this.  If you insist on destroying the toilet every time you go, your identity will not remain anonymous forever – Sort That Shit Out (see what I  did there!)  And do not smile at me when you see me with a cheery Good Morning because I know EXACTLY WHAT YOU LEFT BEHIND!

So that my friends, that is the joys of working in a big building and sharing toilets with some dirty, dirty, dirty moles.  And this, this is a little reminder….

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What’s in a Name?

On This Day…..A post from all the way back when this blog was just a wee baby….2012

 

OK so I’m going to need to reveal the names of Mr Cruisey, Moomoo and Monkeyboy.  They are Jurgen, Ryan and Will respectively.  So starts this blog.  As you can imagine, Jurgen got a bit of grief at school for his name – geez can you imagine?  So when deciding on names for the kids was a bit of a no brainer – OK to be honest, Jurgen didn’t really get a say in it.  Well come on, we all say that they get a say in it but how many of you out there really let him get away with it??

So Ryan was a name I always liked – apparently so did a few other people at the time of his birth because hello – there’s a few around!  Will was named after the brooding, tortured genius in Good Will Hunting.  Yeah I know you all thought it was after Will ‘gettin jiggy with it’ Smith – and you can than me later for putting that tune in your head (still signing it hey!)

So they are fairly simple names right?  Four letters, all good.  We call Ryan Moo Moo or Mooey – it’s a name he got from Aunty and it’s just kinda stuck.  It is starting to cause him a little embarrassment now so yelling it from the side lines must be carefully monitored.  Or anywhere in public for that matter – but of course we have free reign over this at his 18th and or 21st!

Will is another matter.  People ask ‘So what is Will short for?’  Well it’s not short for John now is it??  Will is short for Will.  Not William, not Willis, not Winston – although on refection, that is a cool name.  We do call Will Wilbur – ok alot – and people have assumed that that is his name – hey it is another cool name, is it not?  He has in the past told people this is his name and we do get some funny looks when we call him that.

So when thinking of name for you kids, just keep a couple of thing’s in mind.  Does it sound OK with an O or Y on the end – boys love to do this to names right?  Think Dano, Marco, Johno, Pauly, Danny, Richy – in retrospect, something I didn’t consider.  Naming kids after countries, towns or fruit is really just setting them up for grief.

So on the parental journey, names are something to be considered fairly early on in the piece – I mean they only have it for life right?

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No Guns Allowed!

On This Day…A post from 2013…

I went to a party recently as Lara Croft (yes I pictured Angelina Jolie in my mind to, sadly, the photos told a different story) and I wanted some guns for the costume – well do you think I could find some??

We have become so politically correct that guns are slowly going off the shelves.  You can buy Western guns and pretend you are a cowboy – because cowboys are the good guys right (hmm debatable isn’t it) and you can buy Viking swords and pirate swords, but not guns.

Gone are the days when you could buy things like toy grenades and kit yourself out in army gear, go all commando?  Now you just gotta throw rocks and use sticks – takes the game to a whole new level.  (Note: rocks and sticks ok, toy guns not – insert irony).  So you can’t buy toy guns, toy guns are bad but hey, check out those two whole isles of……. NERF GUNS!!!!  

NERF GUNS – completely ok because they shoot foam bullets – foam bullets folks, that’s ok!

Look at them:

And if you happen to stumble upon a Nerf War (which does happen in this crazy house), please find some useful tips courtesy of You Tube below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oDIOtXdsd4

So here’s how it is.  You can’t buy toy guns that don’t shoot anything, that you would need to use your imagination with and make up those crazy noises that all boys seem to be able to make up but you can get a Nerf Gun that shoots foam bullets like a semi-automatic gun…. STRAIGHT INTO YOUR EYE if you are not careful……hmmmm….. ironic aint’ it!

(Come on, it’s funny)

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Puberty. Do I Need To Say Anymore?

It’s another On This Day Post…..and let me tell ya, ain’t much changed!

It’s like, we woke up one morning and this happened.

All the usual indicators are there – Mr Cranky Pants is hanging around more than usual, Mr Grunt has shown up and bathroom time is getting a little longer than usual – maybe not in the way you are thinking although I know that is coming.  No, it’s the amount of time he is spending in there looking for hair.  Let me paint you a picture.

I walk into the bathroom….

Me: Er, what ya doin Moomoo.

Moomoo: Looking for hair under my arms.

Me: Er, ok, don’t worry mate, it’ll come.

Moomoo: Well I’ve got hairy balls but I can’t show anyone that so I want the hair to come under my arms cause that’s what people can see.

Me: Silence………(left the room, told Mr Cruisey, sent a txt to Dawn and the sister freaking out a little about his balls…….)

And then there’s Sex Education.  They are doing Sex Education at school.  As Mr Cruisey said, ‘well it makes it a little easier for us’.  Yes it does until we get the uncomfortable questions about our puberty experience and me saying that I might need to lie a bit about it and Mr Cruisey, well he’s being Mr Cruisey and honest and all and that is why through this whole puberty thing, he is going to rock it!  We also get to hear about what is talked about in the lessons too like the time I picked him up from school and the conversation goes:

Me: Hi babes, how was your day today?

Monkeyboy: Good.

Moomoo: Good. Babies come out of your vagina.

Me: Monkeyboy is in the car.

Monkeyboy: Yeah, I’m in the car.

Moomoo: Yeah but…

Me: Well you both didn’t so that’s about enough of that and well……(flustered)………Monkeyboy is in the car

Monkeyboy: (rocking back and forth with his ears covered)…

And another time,

Moomoo: I got to feel a condom today.

Me: (giggles, leaves room)

Mr Cruisey: Did you get to put it on a banana.

Moomoo: No…(end of conversation)

And the brochures, holy moly.  I picked one up called: Puberty and Boys.  I sat on his bed, read it, kinda giggled, nearly cried, took it straight out to Mr Cruisey and told him that these are conversations that he is going to need to deal with, I retreat back into my own little happy place…..

So the puberty monster has started to rear it’s ugly, hairy, hormonal, crazy face and I can only surmise that we are in for one hell of a journey!

(Yes of course I will keep you updated….)

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On this day…2013….One Persons Trash Is Another Persons Treasure!

http://wp.me/p2tuId-kb

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