Lean Teen Eating Machine…..

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Man……ain’t that the truth!
Having a Lean Teen Eating Machine has made me realize that there is actually stages of eating.
Stage 1 – Babydom and Toddlerdom
Babies survive on milk (formula or breast whatever works) and water for a while and then we slowly introduce foods right – solids.  Whether you puree steak dinners or open a tin, jar or packet, introducing food is the key.  Filling the babies belly is all that matters.  And this goes on all day……all day….if they’re not sleeping, they’re eating, or crapping (note: also when the gagging starts whilst changing nappies – don’t say I didn’t warn you). It’s kinda small amounts and the shopping bill doesn’t really go up too much and a bit of wastage is ok.
Stage 2 – Primary School kids – School lunch
School lunches just suck.  Whether you make and bake or buy lots of packets – they suck – they just suck!  That’s all I’m going to say about that.
Stage 3 – Teens…..
So, referring to the above statement, sorting out school lunches for High School kids suck big ones in a major way!  We seem to go the battle in the morning.  ‘What have you got for lunch?’ ‘Do you have enough lunch?’ ‘ No you cannot have tuckshop everyday’ so as far as I can tell, I could pack bucket loads of food or very little food and this will not effect what actually happens when they get home from school and into the evening…..this is when it begins.  The endless, endless grazing.  And the ‘there’s nothing to eat in this house’ or ‘there’s nothing good to eat in this house’ and then they have the same sized serving as their father and half an hour later they are in the fridge or the cupboard and they are like a big worm – constant!!!  The shopping bill is going to kill us when they are both teens let me tell ya!!!! On and On it goes…
So newbie parents, when you are going through the stage of trying to figure out what to feed the baby, rest assured the little servings that you are giving them and the little wasteage there might be when they spit it out of don’t like it, that ain’t nothing!  Wait until they become the Lean Teen Eating Machines….
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Funk Off!

(OK the picture is a bit wanky but that’s how I’m feeling right about now…!)

Right now, right at this minute……I have the house to myself…….It is blissful…….

So now…..I shall tell the funk to funk off and do some blogging…..

I don’t know what has been going on….OK that’s a lie….what been happening is I haven’t been taking time to myself and let me tell ya…..that ain’t healthy for anyone!  You see I started this little blog to do just that, have something of my own.  Yeah yeah, of course there is ‘language’ in it and ranting and moaning but well, that’s me and – all opinions expressed in this blog are my own (and fark off if you don’t like them…oops, there I go again) so, I’m getting back into the game!

So, this right now is me…

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That’s right, that’s my set up.  Today’s movie of choice it Point Break.  Johnny Utah hitting the waves.  You see, while most people put music on, I like to have a movie on in the background.  And the older the better.  I also have coffee on the boil, my notebook and yeah, that’s a cook book and fabric for later.

So in between laundry and more laundry, today I shall get some posting done.  And it will make me happy. And you might enjoy some of the posts I have coming up.

So, thanks for sticking around y’all and enjoy your Sunday.

Farts are funny….

funny pictures, don't fart

Yesterday I walked into 2 farts whilst out shopping…….bloody terrible!

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WTF Lego!!!

So Lego, you know we’ve always been a fan.  Mr Cruisey and I have spent lots and I mean lots of money on you.  We got City Scapes, Rockets, Space Shuttles, Cars, Bikes, man, we got the works.   We got Lego people, Lego dogs, Lego trees we got Lego coming out of our ears well, not so much anymore.  Now it is tucked away in depths of the cupboard in plastic containers, a distant memory for the pre teens a ‘Oh I remember playing with Lego when I was a kid’ kinda memory…… A sign of their childhood is drawing to a close……

So when my neecee wanted Lego for her birthday, she gets Lego for her birthday.  But something has happened.  When did it go from this….. (Insert advertisement from 1981)…

to this??????

And so you can imagine that there was no way I was getting these weirded out looking Lego She Girls – What’s doing with those legs?  That aint right!  Lego friends pfft! So I went looking for a Lego set that had a Lego She Girl  in it………

And all I could find was this…

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Yup, she’s a bank robber, a criminal….seriously…a criminal.  I don’t know what has gone on at Lego HQ.  When did the R & D Team come up cracker?  Were they having a lunch meeting at the Pub and thought, hey man, how’s about we do this.  Probably after someone said, hey man, how’s about we do this….Jager…..  And then there was probably a Jager induced story along the lines of….

‘Righto so we need a new line, something with a Lego She Girl in it’

‘Well we can’t really do Housewife Lego She Girl, or can we?’

‘Stay At Home Mum Lego She Girl?  Anyone?’

‘Can’t do Gold Digger Lego She Girl, that may upset a few people’

‘How about we do Bank Robber Lego She Girl?’  Winning!

Geez, Lego makers, Jager just pretends to give you good ideas at the time…

However, my neecee loves it so i will let you off the hook crazy Lego makers………….

 

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Fifty Shades….The Movie Review….

Yep, I did it.  And I’m just going to say straight up……I didn’t hate it…..unlike the book…which I previously bagged out blogged about…see here:    http://wp.me/p2tuId-ye

And just like the book, the movie has got the world talking.  Haters be hatin, lovers be loving….

When I read the book, I couldn’t really picture what the characters looked like (I mean, they weren’t Bella and Edward oh wait…..) and to be honest, I liked who they chose for the leads.  I mean they both had rocking bodies.  He was sculptured just right and there was one fleeting scene of his manhood – ok, the top of his manhood, ok it’s a stretch to say there was a manhood shot….She did just the right amount of lip biting, cutesy come hither, innocent looks, her Inner Goddess got a look in and the girls certainly were on show…a lot….. and the dynamics worked.  But hasn’t it got everyone’s knickers in a knot.

There have been some scathing reviews.  One in particular by Australian journalist Lisa Wilkinson well……she just ripped the movie a new one – and we hadn’t even gotten to the butt plugs.  Here, check out her review:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqvCXqEFEjA

So……although she has some valid points and I think the review is a bit of a cracker, the biggest issue I have with this review is when she talks about it being ‘domestic violence dressed up as erotica’ well………..that just shits me.  If this is domestic violence, well it’s different to the domestic violence I experienced.  All through this movie/book the intention was always clearly stated wasn’t it.  I mean, he showed her what he was into before the even broke the Inner Goddess!  The stalker element?  Ummm haven’t we all kinda showed up somewhere knowing that that person that gets your Inner Goddess going will be there (or am I a stalker in a previous life….oh wait, yes, I did have to chase Mr Cruisey…oh wait…).  Haven’t we all lost our minds for someone? So yeah, when she talks about domestic violence….I’m just not seeing it. Oh and by the way…..It’s a movie.  If you didn’t like it, walk out!!!  And like my sister in law movie partner in crime pointed out, ah how’s about 9 1/2 Weeks and well, any Mikey Rourke movie prior to his love of plastic surgery.

So chillax peeps.  I’m pretty sure if you’re going to see the movie, you kinda know what it’s about so grab yourself a new waffle cone choc top, upgrade to the flash seats and enjoy the ride.

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10 Bonus Points For Using Profanity Correctly, Kid.

itsnotjustmeright:

I enjoyed this….a lot…..it made me laugh…. a lot…..Thank you Fisticuffsandshenanigans

Originally posted on Fisticuffs and Shenanigans:

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The assignment was to write a five sentence paragraph summarizing a short article about things that live on (and in) our bodies.  This was my favorite response, for obvious reasons.

There are lots of bugs that be livin on our bodies.  I can’t believe that they be hidin on yo skin and get in your hers [hairs]!  But hey they better leave me alone cuz if they fuck with me, I’m gonna git em.  That’s four sentences just like you said Ms. M.  I can’t believe you made me read this stupid story about them NASTY BUGS so now I can’t sleep at night.

View original

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The Clicks

I saw a post on Facey the other day from a friend who’s little one has just started Prep.  She commented that all the parents seemed to have their own clicks and she was feeling a bit sad.  Don’t.  Seriously, Don’t.  She is in the best position for not being in a click as she can sit back and suss it all out.

You see this folks, school for parents is a battlefield.  There is so much going on and if you don’t read the signs right, you could end up in some really bad situations.  So here’s a quick guide….

Beware of the ‘Let’s get Physical’ crew.  They are the Lorna Jane, Yoga Pant wearing Mums.  They will most likely be talking about what classes they went to that day and what classes they will be going to for the rest of the week.  They may or may not have designer toddlers with them.  If so, they will also be talking about what classes they will be going to that week and when the child minding hours are at the gym and if they clash with said classes.

Beware the ‘I Know Everything You Need To Know About The School’ Mum.  She will come across as helpful because she can give you information about the school and the teachers and who is good and who is bad and all of the upcoming events and where everything is and then you just want her to Shut Up – Stop Talking.  She is probably on her last kid at Primary School therefore she thinks she is the best authority on all things school like.  This is one to avoid but you will find that you see her everywhere.  She’s kinda like ‘That Dude’ – you know, That Dude you see everywhere……

Beware of ‘The Mean Girls’.  Yeah, you know who they are, they just had kids and are still Mean Girls.  They will have designer toddlers with them and those designer toddlers are the ones playing on all the equipment and being ferals while waiting for their siblings while The Mean Girls are to busy being Mean Girls to notice of care that their designer toddlers are really designer ferals.

Beware of the ‘P & C’ Mum.  Not to be confused with the ‘I Know Everything You Need To Know About The School’ Mum, this Mum really does kinda know everything about the school.  She runs the raffles, she runs the fete.  She brings in box loads of paper and boxes for box construction (yeah, box construction – boxes with glue and paint and crap that you have to keep for at least a fortnight before they can be thrown out – bloody box construction).  She is the one that get’s all the parents to volunteer for at least one thing.  She is always the class communicator and has all of the parents emails and sends out emails and well, you’ll get to meet her…..that is one you can’t avoid……She Is Everywhere….you cannot hide from her……..

And these are just a few examples.  There are more out there.  So good luck, go forth and explore………

You know what, school pick ups kinda suck.  It’s a bit like High School all over again but just like High School, you find your click and just like High School, it doesn’t last forever.

And this is what the kids be doin….

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It All Begins Again…

Did you hear that sound this morning?

It happened at about 9.00am.

It was the sound of…………………………relief……..

Why?

School is back.

And this is what mine looked like –

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Monkeyboy heading off to be senior of Primary School – (can ya tell by the smirk), and Moomoo to his first day at High School….. now for the fun and games to begin….(Post to follow re: High School….if I can get more than 1 word answers out of him….ps: don’t hold your breath…)

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(Poor Jake….hope this doesn’t happen to the boys…….)

AND THIS IS HOW IT HAPPENED LAST YEAR…..BACK TO SCHOOL BLUES…(Repost)

So many parents around this beautiful country of ours did a collective sigh of relief at 9.00am this morning! (some may have been in tears but trust me, you’ll get over it!)

It’s a brand new year.  There’s always the anticipation factor isn’t there – new teacher, new classroom, new friends – ah so many things to look forward to isn’t there kiddies.  I know that they are as excited as I am, I can see it in their eyes and I can tell by the way the are dragging their arse  eagerly getting ready for school – jumping out of their skin they are so excited (insert sarcasm here).

So I decided to walk them this morning as we are pretty close to the school and yeah, their bags were heavy and I thought I better make an appearance and introduce myself to the teachers.  As we get closer to the school, it begins….. The Dreaded Green Zone…….

What’s the go?  So all of the worst drivers in the world congregate outside schools – ah yes they do!  Green Zone folks, stop, drop, go – end of!  Not stop, park, get out, goodbye kisses, standing waving close to tears – move along now folks, move along.

Then once you actually get in the gates, it’s time to find the classroom or as we did this morning, wing it and hopefully find someone – which we did so it was fairly painless.  There’s some old faces, some new faces and some fear on said faces. We find the classroom, introduce ourselves to the teachers and a sense of relief washes over me.  We did it.  We made it to the classroom.  Monkeyboy is super cool with his posse and Moomoo is apparently too old for kisses in front of his friends as he turns his head as I go to give him a kiss – I still have many years to embarrass him yet………..

So I go home, clean the house, keep myself busy worrying all day hoping that they had a good day and everything went well….. oops, that was in bizarro world……. I actually do clean the house but don’t spend well anytime worrying about them but dreading the 3.00pm mark when my peace will be shattered!   So from the grunts that I go out of Moomoo, he had a good first day.  Monkeyboy was more talkative and they both made it through unscathed.

So goes another first day of school.  Moomoo is in his final year of Primary School and maybe this time next year, the post will go a little differently but for now, they can count down until the next set of holidays…

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Pubeasty…..

Ah…..you know you’re alive when you have 2 boys, 19 months apart.  Oh yeah, you know you’re alive!  I spend half my time in trouble with one of them and the other half of my time in trouble with the other one – honestly, it’s exhausting!  I can’t seem to keep up.

See here’s the thing.  There is an angry beasty beast inside all little people.  When they are a toddler, the beasty rears its ugly head now and then however, toddler beasty can be contained more or less.  When the child hits about 11, the beasty re-awakens.  The new beasty has all sorts of new crazy arse hormones and anger.  This beasty is a little harder to contain.  This beasty beast sucks and it has a name……..Pubeasty!

It smells kinda funny.  It has an attitude.  It is prone to outbursts.  It looks like a little kid but then weird hair and spots starts sprouting.  It lacks discipline. It is lazy.  It is crazy.  It is very naughty this Pubeasty and at times and I can’t contain it.  The Pubeasty and I butt heads…..a lot.  I’m told by a very reliable source (my teenage neecee) that the Pubeasty is a sulky, angry, mad, sad, crazy thing at times and that we all just gotta ride it out.

So, now that Pubeasty has moved in I think I want to move out……….

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Resealable…..yeah sure

Are you one of those people that has troubles opening a milk carton?

Are you one of those people that can’t get the mozzie coils separated?

See, I’m all good on them – ok mostly however, resealable bags…..FARK!!

I reckon they just do it to stitch you up.  It may be a resealable bag but you gotta open the sucker first which is going to involve a knife or scissors…. and that’s where I come unstuck.  Reasealable bags why must you be so hard for me…..#firstworldproblems

Oh dear…….

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Personal Space…..

So, I am just below average in height…..well that is when the average is quite short…alright, I’m about 5 foot tall or 153cm so yeah, just below average anyway, this at times presents a few little problems with people and personal space.  There are rules with personal space right?  Kinda like, stay outta my personal space.  There is a secret no-go barrier that one should not pass.  Yes, this barrier does get switched off after a few beers….however, in general – no-go zone.

So when I am in a crowd, the personal space barrier gets broken…a lot…however, being as tall as I am, I always seem to get thing’s poking me in the eye.  These things are usually boobs.  And armpits.  Yep, boobs and armpits.

Boobs, well, I can handle the odd boob in the face but armpits, well, that there is a whole other can ‘o worms.  Can people not smell themselves?  Dude, get that shit sorted out.  You should not be walking out the door with a stink like that!  And love, really – you go to the trouble of fixing your hair, slapping on some face and forget about the pits – eewww just eewwww!!  Seriously, sort that shit out and consider the just below average in height person who may end up nose deep in your stinking pit – Not Nice! So there you go #shortpersonproblems…………Oops I mean #justbelowaverageinheightpersonproblems

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