How to Get Out The Door On Time – Repost Updated…..

This is a post from 2013.  These days, the boys sort themselves out as mostly, Mr Cruisey and I are at work so to be honest, I’m not sure what goes on until I come home to the bomb site that afternoon.  Anyway, I’m sure there’s folks that will relate…..enjoy🙂

 

I just came across this article:

http://www.ivillage.com.au/heres-how-never-to-be-late-for-school/

Give it a read……The author tells us how she prepares for school and gets out the door on time.  It’s so well written.  Even the tone made me feel nice and calm and I got a ‘sure thing, I can do that in my house’ kinda vibe, it all makes perfect sense.

Lets break down her advice:

1. Get homework and papers to sign ready 

2. Lay out clothes

3. Make lunch early

4. Stick to the routine

Righto, that’s what I have been doing wrong all these years?  Now peeps, let me show you what really happens:

1. Get homework and papers to sign ready: Yep, homework is always checked over every night.  As for the second part of this ‘get papers ready to sign’ huh – this is gold!  I could do this if I got the notices on time.  Sometimes I get scrunched up little notes that in a former life may have been a school notice, oops, no it was, I can see the school letterhead there somewhere.  If I asked if there are school notes, I get them – again, possibly a week late but hey, I guess at least I get them!

2. Lay out clothes: Lay out clothes, lay out clothes, now this just makes me laugh.  Being that the boys are 10 & 11, their clothes are ‘laid out’, their clothes sometimes stay ‘laid out’ for a day or so especially on the weekend when I am at work.  They ‘lay out their clothes’ on their bed, on their floor, in the bathroom – yeah, pretty sure that they got the wrong end of the stick on this one!  I am not going to ‘lay out clothes’ for them for the next day – this is something that they can do.  Moomoo can usually find his clothes ‘laying out’ in his cupboard not on a hanger as I ask him to do repeatedly but ‘laying out’ on the floor of said cupboard.  Monkeyboy can find his scrunched up in his drawer after I carefully fold them and give them to him to put away.  No, there is no ‘laying out of the clothes’ by me in this house.

3. Make lunch early: When I get up in the morning, nothing shall stop me getting caffeine into the system – nothing!  My next mission is to start the lunches (ok after I check Facebook and twitter and some days, like today, squeeze in a blog).  The boys are old enough to do this (Dawn, did you ever make lunches for us??) however, to save them having ripped to shreds, excessive butter sandwiches, I will make these for them and they do the rest.  I do check what they have in their lunch box however, sometimes this is as they are going out the door and I am getting more caffeine on board.  So try as I may, sometimes social media does get in my way of making lunches early….

4. Stick to the routine: Hmm, don’t even know where to go with this one because I see no where in here the time for the arguing, the yelling and the fighting.  These can happen at random moments between them, us, them vs me, one vs me – it’s pretty well up in the air but always on the cards.  This should be in the routine somewhere because it is bound to happen.  These little scenarios take up time too.  So much so that it can make them late – my fault of course and mostly because – here’s the kicker…..

They can’t find their homework

Then need some notes signed

They can’t find their hat, shirt, shorts, swimming bag….

They haven’t made their lunch

THEY ARE RUNNING LATE!

And the article finishes with:   What’s your secret to a smooth exit from the house? Hmmmm, when I find the key, I will let you know!

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Beware of the Beast…Re Post from 2013….And it still goes on…..

Anyone else get Bat Shit Crazy the day prior?

Man, my poor little family…… The day started out with the usual amount of arguing, fighting and yelling. The morning chant…..

Have you had breakfast

Have you had a shower

Have you cleaned your teeth

Have you put deodorant on

Have you made your bed

Have you got your hat

Have you got your lunch

And the time keeps ticking on.  And then it’s my fault they will be late – ah hang on, how’s that my fault?  And then, and then…. peace……. and in kicks the headache.

This is right on track for the PMS Bitch Monster Symptons.  I look around, the house needs a vacuum and a mop, there’s washing to do but I think, fark that, I got all day to do it so I put on a movie, start to fall asleep so I crawl into bed.  I kinda feel guilty doing this but hey, I’m going to take the chance while I can.

Ah, feeling refreshed, I jump out of bed,  put my best smile on – oh hang on, I’m still dreaming…. Up I get, do the vacuuming and the mopping, washing, all the fun stuff right before the devils darlings rock on through the door.   And then it starts…….

Have you got homework – Yes – Can you start it please – Can I have something to eat – Yes, then start your homework – Righto, whatever – NO NOT WHATEVER JUST DO IT (Yes, may have over reacted there….)

Can I go to the shop – No you can’t go to the shop – Why not – Because I am not giving you money to go to the shop – I will use my own money – No you are not going to the shop – But it’s my money, why can’t I go to the shop – JUST GO TO THE BLOODY SHOP THEN (Yep, could’ve picked that battle better)

Can I go for a ride – Is your homework finished – Yes – Ok then you can go for a ride, check in at 5.00 – Why not 5.30 – Because I want you to check in at 5.00 – Dad lets us go until 5.30 – RIGHTO THEN GO FOR A RIDE, BE BACK AT 5.30 AND NOT A MINUTE LATER (Hmm another over reaction

Geez Mum, what’s the matter with you? – OH MY FARKING GOD………

By this stage, I am fuming – why??? Well here’s the kicker – I’m really not sure why this is giving me the shits so much.  I’m so mad that I feel anxious.  I hear what is coming out of my mouth and think who the hell is that Bat Shit Crazy Hormonal Bitch Beast – oh, I see who it is – it’s bloody me!!  Even Mr Cruisey pulls me up and has a word – of course I crack the shits with him, have a little cry, crack the shits again, storm off and then realize how much of an arse I can be .

So please tell me, does anyone else get Bat Shit Crazy sometimes or what?

 

Yeah, how much fun is this gonna be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Get Summer Ready….Re Post from 2012…Ain’t Nothing Changed…

Yes it’s that time again, time to get into shape for that bikini body that you want – all the ads are saying it so it must be fairly easy……

Yeah, I’ve been trying to do it for 10 years and have come to the conclusion that the bikini’s are a no go zone 10 years on – trust me.  I love getting on board though.  You see, I have these images of me that I realize, they are in my own little fantasy – damn you mirrors for your brutal honest truth!  I still refuse to believe that this is the way I should look and go all out to fix it.  But to be honest, I’m kind of all or nothing.

I am well some would say short, I say, slightly below average of height and I have always been small, right up until I hit the big 30 and popped out a couple a bonny babies – yeah huge buggers they were, 8 pound 2 and 8 pound 4 – gold.  So to prep my slight frame to endure carrying these monsters, I ate, and ate, and ate to the point that when I was pregnant, my favourite little Indian doctor said – there is no need to eat for 6! Noice!

Speaking of diets, take these for example:

Jenny Craig – well hasn’t Mel B done well, she now looks like a muscly man with huge boobs – improvement?

Weight Watchers – please stop changing your points system.  I understand you make money every time you change the system but have you not heard of the old ‘if it ain’t broke’ scenario

Light and easy – sweet, meals delivered to the door, for the low low price of $500000 per week – ah, no….

Body Trim – Geoff, you are an annoying idiot – enough said.

Trim Spa – Um Anna Nicole Smith – need one say anything more…

Atkins – meat, meat and more meat

So where do you start!!!  I’m a lifetime member of the elite Weight Watchers club, I play sport and go to the gym as well as walking and running in between so why do the scales hate me?  Oh that’s right, 80% food, 20% exercise, damn you 80%!!

So I am listening and getting Summer ready.  The pool is clean, the gas cylinder is full for the BBQ, the mozzie coils are stocked, backed up by sandal wood incense, the eskies are out and the beer is chilling – I think this is a better way to get Summer ready.

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There’s No Milk…THERE’S NO MILK!!!

Image result for funny teenage tantrum pictures

Yep…..there’s no milk. There’s no milk……THERE’S NO MILK!!!!!!!!!!!

In the teenagers mind, this means exactly this……..

Why is there no milk?

How am I expected to have my cereal?

Why are you all against me?

What’s going to happen now?

The world is going to end because someone drank all the milk?

Why did you do this to me?

Why didn’t someone go and get milk?

Why did you not save me any – WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE???

Why would you do this – don’t you know I NEED MILK ?

You have just destroyed my day, why, why, WHY?

How will I go on?

You are all against me!

This is everyone else’s fault!

Why should I go to the shop?

What do you mean get on my bike and go to the shop?

Seriously, why would I go and get milk when EVERYONE ELSE SHOULD DO IT FOR ME!

 and finally……

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT??? THERE’S NO MILK!!!!

Now there are exactly 2 reasons that there is no milk in the house:

Reason 1: – The 3 males in the house, had their heads firmly implanted up their butts that they didn’t bother to get milk

or

Reason 2: – I was at work, shit slipped through the system, the universe imploded  because I wasn’t on top of things and…….Mum was not home yesterday!

You work it out!

Image result for funny there's no milk pictures

(this is such a common universal problem, you can literally google it and find images…….Eff the life of teenagers…..poor things……)

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Eff Your Hormones!

So this morning, Moomoo ordered Hormones with a side of anger for bereakfast.  Awesome way to start the day, just awesome. Puberty sucks balls so bad!  He’s like ‘rah rah rah’ slam, ‘rah rah rah’ slam ‘why am I so angry rah rah’ Monkeyboy and I were ducking for cover because man, no one knows why you’re angry kid.

It’s so weird seeing all this go on and it’s hard to watch and put yourself back into those years. I can’t relate because I was such an angel……….bahahahaahahahaahah bullfuckingshit!  Man I was horrible at times – only at times I swear – and I remember all those weird feelings and just anger!  Of course I have mellowed over the years….oh wait….not entirely true.  So after the raging hormonal arsehole beast reared its ugly head this morning, I got a text saying sorry.  It’s really nice when I get those texts.

But alas, I thought that was the end of the raging hormonal beast but no, the mofo showed up this afternoon.  At first it kicked me and I was losing my shit at them for….well reasons unknown really but at least I can blame PMT right? And then just as I got the beast under control, the mofo came along and gave Monkeyboy a nudge!  And man, what a nudge it was!

Anger, yelling, tears – the works! It got him a doozy!  Fucking raging hormonal beast – loves spreading its shit everywhere! So anyway, how’s your house?

 

 

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I Told My Kid To Steal…..

Yep, can’t sugar coat that.  I told my kid to steal.

OK, OK let me explain.  It’s been cold in Brisbane.  We’ve had a rough winter.  It’s been down to single digits!  I mean anything below 16 is hell freezing over cold in Brisbane and we know this because everyone tells you how cold it is, and they update their status telling us how cold it is……Yes it’s winter – it’s fucking cold, I don’t need to hear how cold it is…..sorry, back to the story….

So, cold, winter, the boys need to wear jumpers to school and the school is all about the uniform.  So far this winter, they have had countless uniform detentions because they have not worn the correct uniform because why, they lost their 80 fucking dollar jumper!  That’s right, their school jumpers cost 80 fucking dollars each!!!!! 80 fucking dollars!!!! Oh but wait, not only have they lost their school jumpers, they have even lost their own jumpers – what the actual?  As Mr Cruisey kept asking, ‘how do you lose your jumper?’  Quite bloody easily trust me.  The amount of times this happened in Primary School used to drive me up the wall but at least at Primary School, they could wear a similar coloured jumper and not get detention.  The amount of money we have spent over the years buying bloody school jumpers…..ridiculous!! So many kids must be walking around with jumpers that are not theirs. So here’s what I did………..

I told him that I didn’t give a rats arse who’s jumper he came home with, he needs to come home with a jumper.  I did say go and look for yours again however, DO NO WALK THROUGH THIS DOOR WITHOUT A JUMPER!  Yes I am aware of how bad that is but to be honest, I don’t actually feel bad about it.  I am pretty sure that we are not the only family with missing jumpers. Or shorts. Or shirts.

I am all for uniforms at school but the price of uniforms is bloody ludicris!!!! I could buy a kidney cheaper than kitting out both the boys in uniforms!  And look, we don’t care if they’re second hand or not but trust me, ain’t no second hand jumpers in the uniform shop!!!  Here’s a break down……

Jumpers                       80 fucking dollars

Formal Shorts            40 fucking dollars

Formal Shirt             40 fucking 2 dollars

Sports Shorts          30 fucking 5 dollars

Sports Shirt            30 fucking 5 dollars

TOTAL                        MORE THAN A FUCKING KIDNEY!!!!!!

So that’s why I told my kid to steal.

 

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Bang Bang He Shot Me Down

On This Day….a repost from 2014….

So, your kids don’t play with guns?

Well thank god for that I mean, a kid with a gun isn’t really a good thing now is it I mean unless you live on the corner of Redneck and Thug street, probably no need for your kid to play with a gun.

Now, if you say you don’t want your kid playing with guns – pretend guns because guns are bad and guns teach the kid the wrong things and blah blah blah well I’m sorry to tell you but you really can’t stop it.  From the minute they can point their stubby little fingers to when they pick up a stick there’s always going to be some gun action going on, always.  Take a look in the playground – there’s gun action going on and what’s worse, it doesn’t stop.

It starts with the fingers.  And sticks……

It moves on to the water pistols in the party bags, the useless water pistols that only work for a little while and then as they get older, they upgrade.  They upgrade to water cannons that shoot water out at 300km / hr.  There are water fights around the pool, in the park anywhere as long as someone gets a soaking, it’s a good day.

Enter the Nerf Guns.  Guaranteed, they will get a Nerf gun at some point – from an Uncle (man I wish I had one of those) or a friend at their birthday party (yeah I’ve got one of these and they’re so cool). Nerf guns with there ‘take an eye out’ foam bullets that shoot at 300km / hr and also come in pink for the girls.  It’s ok to play with them because they are plastic and foam with a little rubber thrown in?

And then when they are not playing with the real pretend things, they show up in the games that all the cool kids are into.  And if it’s not guns in the games it’s swords or axes or bows and arrows so ya see, the kids are surrounded by weapons – PRETEND WEAPONS (unless like I said you live on the corner of Redneck and Thug Street, well that might be a little different) so peeps, maybe some of you need to unknot those knickers because, in my humble opinion, playing with toys doesn’t really lead you to being the kid on the roof out of Parenthood.

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What’s on your phone?

I leave my phone out……
and here’s what I find…….

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Short People Problems…….Sad Face…….

On This Day….A Repost from 2014….

#1: Clothes: You will never find a pair of jeans or pants that you don’t need to roll up or cut and sew.  I also call bullshit on one size fits all.

#2: ID: I was asked for ID at bars until I was 25.  Now, I try to give it to them and they kinda laugh

#3: Bar: I have found that sometimes I am taller when I sit on a bar stool.

#4: Kids: My sons friends are taller than me.  He is in Primary School.  Scares the shit out of me when they hit High School!

#5: Step Ladders/ Stools: I have 2 step ladders at home and 2 stools, just in case, and they get used….a lot.

#6: Cars: My Dad had to jack the seat up in my first car, it was a Toyota Corolla.  On the upside, when I was pulled over by the police, they were unsure if I was old enough to drive.  I got out of 5 fines in my first year of driving.

#7: Gigs:  I always try to get seating tickets then I can see with the big kids.  If I get standing, I usually find the biggest dude there and they kinda look down and feel bad and let me in so really, win, win right there.  I do however, always come out with a sore neck.

Anyone relate?

 

 

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I’m Going Down to Crazy Town!

 

On This Day….A post from 2013

Yep, that’s how I feel lately.  The soon to be 10-year-old is really testing me!

Seriously – WTF??  He’s so up and down.  So dark and sullen, then Mr Chatty McChat – I can’t keep up.  And smart arse – holy moly!  You know when toddlers go through that ‘no, no, no’ stage – apparently it comes back when they are 9 3/4 (just realized, 9 3/4 is the train station on Harry Potter – maybe the kid should find that station and take a ride!) Teenage years are gonna be a hoot – NOT!!!!

OK enough about that one, let’s move on to the next one.  When the hormonal beast takes over this one  it goes crazy – like waving hands in the air, jumping up and down nut job!  The dude you think ‘when did he escape the loony bin’ type crazy and then it crashes.  The ups and downs really rock his world – wtf is going on??

Fights – if I could throw them in the back yard, put a cage around them and line up a bookie, I reckon I could make some serious coin but seeing that this would be frowned upon, it’s probably not a great idea.  They call each other names and go the knuckle and honestly some days, I just gotta walk away – there are tears, there’s yelling, there’s wrestling and farting, and holding each other down and farting and burping and then I’m going down, down, down, down ,down, down, down,…. to Crazy Town!

View photo.JPG in slide show

They can be the best of friends and the worst of friends

How’s things at your house?

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