‘Mum, the teacher wants to see you.’
‘Righto, what did you do.’
‘Nothing, I asked her, she just wants to see you.’
And that is how it began. Moomoo wasn’t in trouble so there was something else she wanted to see me about and that old familiar feeling crept back into my gut – I knew this was going to be a conversation that I didn’t want to have.
‘I’m not a doctor at all but from my observations of Ryan, have you ever had him tested for ADD?’
And there it was. Hello elephant in the room, pleased to make your acquaintance. I don’t believe she came to this conclusion lightly and it would’ve sucked to have to say this to a parent I reckon (I did notice she was a little fidgety and awkward herself) but hearing it – well that just sucked.
We chatted, I held my shit together, appreciated her saying something, took lots of deep breaths, walked out, pulled the sunnies down and could not get out of there quick enough. I cried all through the play ground and all the way home.
And then it started………..
It’s my fault. Something is wrong with my kid, it’s my fault. I treat him mean, I’m not patient enough, I yell at him, I swear, I’m a bad person, I blame him, I blame me, I don’t know how to deal with all of this. I ring Dawn, I break down, I’m being silly she tells me, the teacher is being silly she tells me, she says all the right things, I hear all the wrong things. I txt Miss Lennee. She will give me the honest option. ‘Cry, scream, shout then drink’ see, she knows what to say to me! I ring my doctor friend, she tells me the steps to take. She also reassures me, the realms of ‘normal’ are so broad, I am having a normal reaction much like to process of grieving (ah I knew this was familiar) but why not just go and see someone for peace of mind for all of us….. breathe……………it’s ok to feel this way…………. breathe, trying to keep shit together…….
And then there’s the what is it, resolution? If there is something wrong with him, well that answers all the questions right. If there is something wrong, we can fix him. Not necessarily medicate him but we can get through it. We’ll change his diet, we’ll work on it as a family. Someone can teach us how to do it, how to relax, how to cope, how to get through right cause if there is something wrong, if something is broken, we can fix it right – gaffa tape won’t do but something will – right?
And then comes the voices of reason. Sissy and My Mentor get angry – really angry – like super angry! ‘She doesn’t know what she’s on about’ ‘Bloody lazy teacher’, ‘Bloody labels’ – lots of bloody’s – ‘There’s nothing wrong with him’ ‘It’s not your fault’ – yes, they had some things to say alright. And when I actually got to talk to Mr Cruisey this afternoon, well, he had the best advice of all…
‘Lets just wait and see Lovey….’ Oh how I love thee…..
So there it is folks. Had the wind knocked out of me, spent the morning in tears, played the blame game, the angry game, the full spectrum of emotions and now, we are just about to jump on the roller coaster so strap in folks, we are in for a bumpy ride – ain’t ya glad ya got a ticket?
Just found my happy place…..